Can't Go Back
by thecommanderkirk
Summary: True soldiers make tough calls and face the consequences; Jane Shepard is no exception. After turning herself in for her actions in the Bahak system, she finds comfort in the friendship of James Vega. As the war presses on Shepard and James struggle with their feelings for one another. Continues post ME. Ignores the Citadel DLC "romance" because it made me feel gross.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Surrendering**

Anderson had taken control of the Normandy a few hours ago and ordered the ship to Omega. Shepard couldn't fathom why they would be going to the pisshole of the galaxy, especially right now. Earth was where she was to be tried and prosecuted as a war criminal. Omega seemed like an unusual detour. But, she wasn't in charge anymore and she didn't have the will to question Anderson.

She sat on the cot that was once Jack's and stared at her hands. The Normandy didn't have an official brig so the small storage space seemed a decent place to keep a prisoner. They even omni-cuffed her, per Alliance regulations. She stared at her hands for hours, trying to remind herself that the handcuffs were just a formality. Anderson actually looked like he was in pain when he put them on her. He kept them loose, far too loose for any other prisoner, but he knew Shepard. She was honorable and didn't deserve what she was getting. She wouldn't run, she wouldn't hide. She made the best decision with the information she had and she would face the consequences like a true soldier.

Her honor didn't stop her from _wanting_ to remove the cuffs though. She willed herself to continue to sit patiently and stare at her hands. She would be strong and would face whatever the Alliance had to throw at her. She was Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, First Human Spectre, and she just saved the galaxy from the Collectors and postponed a Reaper invasion. She would be the paragon of humanities strength, even if she wanted to break down like a small child. Now was not the time to lose it.

She heard EDI announce that Anderson and the shore party had returned and steeled herself for what might happen next. Her gut was churning and she swallowed bile. She desperately wished that she had asked Joker what the hell they were doing on Omega. In her head, she knew this was probably some unrelated Alliance business. But, there was a sinking feeling in her heart that, somehow, she might be turned over to the Batarians as some form of political appeasement.

Her thoughts turned to Elysium. She tried to remind herself that Anderson had her back. He would fight tooth and nail to ensure her safety. The Batarians just need to _see_ her punished, they didn't need to do the actual punishing. She would never have to face their particular brand of brutality again.

"Hey Shepard?" Joker's voice interrupted her morbid thoughts and she tried to calm her nerves before responding.

"I don't think you're supposed to talk to the prisoner Joker." She replied coolly.

"Yeah well…" he let his voice trail off before he continued. "Just thought you might like to know; Anderson is heading your way. Figured a heads up wouldn't hurt."

"Thanks Joker." She managed to reply. She knew that he warned her so that she could build some composure. Joker knew that this was rock bottom for Shepard and that she wouldn't want anyone to see her falling apart. He would never say it outright but he was probably the only person who knew how she was feeling. He had lost the Normandy and everything he had cared about when he was grounded. Now, Shepard was facing the same fate.

Shepard hadn't even noticed when Anderson walked through the door. She only looked up when she heard several sets of steps begin to descend the stairs to her informal prison.

Anderson looked as professional as ever. His dress blues were pressed and only the slightest bit of grime hinted at the fact that he had been on Omega. He made eye contact with Shepard and smiled. The smile lit up his features in a way that made him look as if he were ten years younger. Shepard missed that smile. She saw that smile in some of her fondest memories; the day she joined the alliance, the day she made N7, and when she was appointed to be a Spectre. Anderson had been there for all the important milestones in her life. It was only fitting that he was finally there for a low point.

She turned her attention briefly to the marine that was following Anderson. He was a tank in human skin, built like a fucking mountain. He seemed upset and was _bleeding_? Shepard suddenly was confused as to why Anderson had brought this man to meet her. He needed to see Chawkwas about the gash on the side of his head. Seemed odd to come meet her first considering she was a prisoner and wasn't going anywhere.

Shepard barely caught the end of their conversation in time to understand what was happening.

"You're not far off Lieutenant. Only, you'll be guarding the brig. One prisoner in particular." Anderson sounded almost amused but Shepard couldn't find the humor in the situation. It was slowly starting to hit her that her career, and everything she had ever cared about, were being stripped away.

The Lieutenant seemed to see her for the first time after Anderson had finished speaking.

"Commander… Shepard?" He seemed at a loss and Shepard found it endearing. For a lot of marines, she was the goal. Most grunts either wanted to be her, or sleep with her. She wondered if the man in front of her had either of those intentions. She looked him over studying the nasty cut he had on the side of his head. He wasn't in uniform and seemed to have just been in a fight. Shepard wondered briefly why he had been on Omega and why Anderson specifically chose him for guard duty.

She offered him a grin as she responded. "That's me… at least for now. I'm pretty sure they're going to take my rank." Her heart sank as she said the words. She knew they were going to strip her of her title and it hurt her to her core. She tried to recover with humor as she added "I would shake your hand but…" She lifted her hands to highlight the cuffs connecting them.

Anderson cut in to introduce them. "Shepard this is Lieutenant James Vega, hell of a marine. Kind of reminds me of you." There was laughter in his voice and Shepard consciously forced a smile in response. Her heart was aching but she would put on a show of strength for everyone else.

"Nice to meet you Lieutenant." She managed to say with practiced ease.

James on the other hand was star struck. His mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish before he managed a response.

"It's nice to meet you too ma'am." He punctuated his words with a quick salute. Only afterwards did he realize how obnoxious it all seemed given the circumstances.

Shepard wanted to groan in response but buried the urge.

"You can call me Shepard. Anderson can attest to the fact that I hate formalities."

Anderson smiled and allowed himself to chuckle deeply before he responded. "She takes after me in more ways than I care to admit."

Shepard rolled her eyes as if she were a teenager frustrated with her parents. Anderson always found the opportunity to tease her.

"You and my mother Anderson… You both will be the death of me." Anderson feigned offense at Shepard's jibe.

James stood in stunned silence. Anderson and Shepard went way beyond the traditionally military friendship. It made James feel like an outsider and shifted uncomfortably as he stood next to them. Anderson seemed to noticed and straightened; looking suddenly more like the admiral he was. He turned his attention to Vega and began to lay out his assignment.

"All right, here's the deal. The Alliance will be investigating the incident with the Alpha relay. Shepard will likely be court martialed as a result but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure it goes in her favor. During the investigation, the brass has decided the confine her to house arrest on Earth. She will be provided a small apartment in Alliance HQ. She is not allowed to leave the apartment without an escort and is not allowed to leave HQ without the express permission of myself or Admiral Hackett. Understood so far?"

James provided a curt not in response.

"Okay, good. James, you are Shepard's guard. You aren't there to keep her in, I know she'll do that on her own. You are there to keep the threats out. Reporters, Cerberus, and the Batarians would all love to get their hands on Shepard. You are the last line of defense. As such, you will also be staying in the apartment with Shepard. When she's awake, you're awake, understood Lieutenant?"

"Yes sir. Permission to speak freely sir?" James was gnawing on the inside of his cheek. Everything about this situation seemed wrong to him and he hoped that Anderson would allow him the opportunity to work through his questions.

"Granted." Anderson knew this wasn't an easy task and James was still dealing with his own demons. Allowing him the opportunity to express his concerns now would prevent issues later.

"If anyone in the galaxy can defend themselves, it's the Commander. Why does she need me to guard her?" Shepard noted the insecurity in James' voice. She turned to Anderson to see what he would say.

"Shepard won't be allowed a gun, armor, or any communication devices. Hell the brass will probably try to restrict her biotics." Shepard scoffed, causing both men to turn their attention to her.

"I'd like to see them try." She chided.

"Careful what you wish for Jane." Anderson's voice was soft and full of remorse. He continued after a brief pause. "Shepard is a hell of a soldier but she won't be able to take on everything, especially when they take away most of her defenses. Hell, she won't even be able to call for help. You are there to do all the things Shepard can't on her own if an emergency arises. You will have several guards at your disposal who carry night shifts and cover for you when other duties arise. You will get to meet them when we land in Vancouver. Think you can handle this Vega?" Anderson eyed the young marine intently.

 _No. I'm a terrible soldier and I should be the one locked up._

James swallowed hard, burying all his apprehension. He was going to be living with and defending Commander Jane Shepard. How the hell could he say no? He dreamed of serving with her for years and while the current situation was not what he expected, he would take it.

"Yes sir!" James replied with almost too much enthusiasm. It was Shepard's turn to chuckle. Anderson turned to her in response with a stern look on his face.

"Play nice, Commander." She sat a little straighter under his gaze as if she had just been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

"I always do Anderson." She winked at James as the words left her lips and he felt the heat radiate through his cheeks. Anderson responded to her jest with mock frustration.

"You are never going to make things easy for me are you?" He moved toward the stairs as if to leave before adding, "Shepard, the cuffs can come off for now but the Lieutenant will have to put them back on when we reach Earth. Vega, your duties start now. Stick to Shepard like glue until she is safely in her apartment on Earth. I don't expect trouble yet but I would like to be prepared for it all the same. I am going to speak with Joker and the rest of the crew. We should reach Sol in a few hours." With those words, Anderson nodded and left.

Shepard had the cuffs off before Anderson finished speaking the words. She laid them on table across from the cot and returned to her seat. James stood at parade rest near the stairs and Shepard tried hard not to laugh at him. He seemed lost, deep in his own thoughts.

"Lieutenant?"

"Yes ma'am?" He responded with military precision like any marine speaking with their CO. She had just said to call her Shepard, maybe she could use this to break the ice.

"First of all, stop calling me ma'am. It's Shepard, or if you really need to be formal Commander. Although, I don't know how long you'll get to call me that. Enjoy the opportunity while you can I guess…" Her thoughts shifted to melancholy and she almost forget what she was trying to accomplish. "Anyway, I seriously hate that ma'am shit. Secondly, you can sit down. Anderson said you had to guard me, he said nothing about killing your back while you do it." She tried her best to smile but it never quite reached her eyes. She continued trying to ease the tension in the room by flirting with the marine. "Although, given your…uh, impressive physique, I'm sure there are lots of things you can do for hours on end." She winked at him again and was rewarded as he shifted uncomfortable.

James was dumbfounded for a moment. Did Commander Shepard just come on to him? No, he knew better. This was her attempt as diffusing tension. He had seen it before. Marines under stress became shameless flirts in an attempt to calm themselves. He knew this assignment was going to be a long stint. He also knew that if Shepard was anything like him, she would hit rock bottom a few times while on house arrest. James resolved to be there for her no matter what. Commander Shepard had been the reason he wanted to be a good Marine. The least he could do was keep her sane. He felt himself relax as he made his way to her and sat down on the cot.

Shepard's eyes widened slightly as she was lifted off her seat for a moment. James was less than a foot away from her, the cot they shared wasn't exactly roomy. This vantage point gave Shepard a more intimate view of the man she'd be living with for who knows how long. James was physically impressive. Shepard couldn't fathom how someone could bulk up that much on military rations. She watched a smirk play at the corner of his mouth before he turned to her to speak.

"Anything in particular you have in mind?" The devilish grin on his face made her body react in ways she wasn't expecting. She pushed the thoughts aside.

"Wouldn't you like to know Lieutenant?" She put on her best sultry voice and waited for Vega's reaction. But as quickly as the flirting had started it was over. Shepard was briefly disappointed. This was the first time she felt like a normal woman in a long time. Everyone saw her as Commander Shepard, badass extraordinaire. Very few people took the time to get to know her as a person. Almost no one was interested in her as a woman, at least no sane people.

"You can call just call me James." He interrupted her thoughts.

"Okay James, how did you end up with shitty guard duty?" He visibly tensed at the question. Fehl Prime flooded his mind and he was suddenly angry again. He shouldn't be guarding Shepard. He couldn't even guard the colonists. James knew that the silence was drawing on for too long. He didn't know what to say. He felt like he made the wrong decision. Shepard stopped the Collectors, he should have saved the colonists. He pinched the bridge of his nose to relieve the pressure building there. The silence stretched out between them until Shepard spoke again a few moments later.

"Tough call?" She knew the instant the tension was in his shoulders that he was dealing with a bad mission. She had more of those than she would care to admit so she knew what the fall out looked like. This was probably why he was her guard. Anderson had a knack for finding the people who didn't crack under pressure; who knew how to make the right call even when it felt like shit. How many times had she been in James' shoes?

The silence stretched on for a few more moments before James could bring himself to speak.

"Yeah…" It was all he could mutter. It was all still too raw for him to talk about openly and he doubted if he could ever really tell Shepard what happened. His intel was moot because she was kicking Collector ass. Deep down, part of him blamed her for making him waste lives. He knew that she wasn't at fault and it wasn't fair for him to pin his shortcomings on her, but he couldn't help it.

"We all have a few of those…" Her tone was solemn and she looked like she was reliving the ghosts of her own past. James watched in awe as he saw the emotions play out on her face. She had built walls up around herself. Every interview or promo vid showed Commander Shepard, badass savior of the galaxy. This was the woman behind the act, the marine who had to make tough calls and live with herself after. James felt like he was intruding on a private moment and looked away.

They sat in silence for over an hour.

"I wish we had a deck of cards or something." James uttered half-heartedly. He always played poker when he was trying to escape his own thoughts. He could just focus on the game and allow himself a little peace. He didn't even notice that Shepard lit up next to him. She knew Jack had cards down here. She was always trying to win money off the crew. Shepard guessed that Jack liked getting a little bit of payback against Cerberus in any way she could.

"We do have cards." She returned to the cot triumphantly and began to shuffle the deck. "What's your game Vega?"

"Poker." He began to move crates to either side of the table in the room. Shepard perched herself so that she could see both entrances to her prison. James was impressed. If she hadn't sat there first, he would have because he could see any potential threats coming. Shepard spoke, breaking him from his thoughts.

"What, no Skyllian Five?" She smiled as she spoke and James noted her features for the first time. Well, he had noted her features many times before, her face was everywhere in the Alliance. But, this was the first time she looked human. She wasn't larger than life, only her accomplishments made people see her that way. She was just a person, with too much weight on her shoulders. He could relate to that feeling.

"Nah Shepard. Poker reminds me of home." It was sincere. Skyllian Five was fun and everyone in the galaxy knew how to play, regardless of their homeworld. But, for James, poker reminded him of his uncle and all the things he loved about home.

"Fair enough." She didn't really care what they played, she was just happy for the distraction.

She passed him the deck so that he could set up and was suddenly aware that his head was still bleeding.

"Hey EDI, can you send Chawkwas down here? James has a pretty nasty gash that needs to be looked at." She knew he couldn't leave and since she was pretty sure she could escort him to the crew deck, this would have to do. The metallic voice answered through the ceiling.

"She's on her way Shepard." James was suddenly self-conscious. He had almost forgotten the fight he was in a few hours before.

"I'm good Shepard. It'll take a lot more than this to keep me down." James hated seeming weak and he couldn't hide the defensiveness in his tone.

"I'm sure" she nodded as she spoke. "But I am going to have to spend a lot of my time looking at you. So, I'm going to do everything in my power to protect your pretty face." He smiled in response to her remarks.

"It'll take more than that to make me blush." He jokingly shot back at her.

"I'll keep trying." She was smiling now. There was genuine joy in her expression but it still didn't quite reach her eyes.

Their card game was set up just as Dr. Chawkwas was coming down the stairs. She made short work of caring for James. Reprimanded him for not seeking medical attention as soon as he was on the ship and then made her way back to the medbay.

They began their game in companionable silence. Both were lost deep in dark thoughts. James studied the Commander. She was chewing the inside of her lip. Normally he would see this as a tell that she was bluffing. But, she had been doing it non-stop, even when she had an amazing hand. He broke their silence.

"Penny for your thoughts commander?" She shook her head, clearing the thoughts from her mind. She really needed to work on her poker face. She looked up at James and struggled for an answer.

"I… I haven't been to Earth since n-school. It's weird to come back like this." She rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand. She was a spacer; Earth had never been her home. But, it was the home for humanity. It didn't seem right to be returning in shackles.

"Think of this as shore leave." James was trying to be helpful but he knew that nothing he could say would make this any easier. He hoped his platitude would convey his support of Shepard if nothing else.

"I fucking hate shore leave." The words left her lips without thought. Her mind was still swirling with the gravity of her current situation. She didn't stop to think about her tone or the lighthearted atmosphere she had tried so hard to build with James.

"Oh?" He wasn't sure what else to say. Soldiers lived and breathed for shore leave. They got to feel normal for a few days before they had to be super human. It was the best part of the job. He wanted desperately to know what had happened to make Shepard hate being off duty so much.

"Elysium was shore leave." Shit.

 _You stupid pendejo._

Vega knew everything about Shepard. He knew that her squad was on shore leave during the Blitz but somehow he managed to stick his foot in his mouth anyway.

A quiet "oh" was all James could muster in response. He was too busy mentally berating himself to think of anything else to say.

Shepard realized what she had said after she had said it. Her shoulders tensed. She didn't talk about Elysium. She didn't want to think about Elysium. She sunk her head into her hands and tried hard to take deep breaths.

"Tough calls huh?" James chuckled nervously from his side of the table.

"Yeah, I guess they never really leave you." Her words hung in the air. Anderson came over the comm just in time to break the dark mood.

"We're through the Sol relay, ETA to Earth, 25 minutes. James, bring the Commander to the cargo bay…" There was a pause before Anderson apologetically added "and Shepard, you'll have to be cuffed again."

"Well, I guess it's time to face the music." Shepard held out her hands for James. He was exceptionally gentle as he cuffed her. She wondered how much more there was to this man as they both stood to leave.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: New Home**

The Normandy had been docked for over an hour but no one had come for Shepard. James sat quietly on one of the cargo containers trying desperately not to wring his hands. He was normally a patient man but his current situation had him off kilter. Shepard looked as impatient as James felt. Her left leg was bouncing up and down and she kept bringing her cuffed hands up to run through her hair.

James breathe caught as he realized her hair had come undone. In all the images he had ever seen of the Commander she looked pristine. She was the emblem of military excellence. Her uniform was always pressed, shoes always shined, and her hair was always in a neat bun. James had never seen her so disheveled. He briefly wondered if she was running her hands through her hair because it was bothering her.

"If you want I can help you tie it back up, Commander." James asked the question timidly and it caught Shepard off guard. She didn't think he could ever appear timid shy his imposing physical presence. She was so caught off guard by the _way_ he asked the question that the question itself didn't register.

"Excuse me?" Confusion laced through the words as Shepard spoke.

"I could help you with your hair, since I think you'd have a hard time doing it in omni-cuffs." Shepard smirked as James shifted uncomfortably. She wondered if he was normally this out of sorts or if it was just because she was _the_ Commander Shepard. She internally groaned at the last thought. She hated fame and most days she missed being the lowly grunt straight out of basic. Everything had been so much simpler when she didn't give the orders.

James watched her intently as the silence spread between them. Worry started to grow in him the longer he had to wait for a response. When two solid minutes passed, he couldn't take it anymore.

"Commander?" Shepard jerked her head up at the Lieutenant's words. She was so lost in her own mind that she hadn't even responded to his offer. She presented a brief smile, unsure if she was trying to convince him or herself that everything was fine. Her thoughts still wandered. She wondered why James had offered to help her. She was, after all, a traitor in the eyes of most of the galaxy and a terrorist to many. Letting the world see her as a crazy mess would be appealing to a lot of people but, he wanted to help her. Shepard realized that she was letting another pregnant pause carry on for far too long so she decided to trust him.

"I would appreciate it." The word's left Shepard's lips as nothing more than a whisper.

James quickly came to stand behind Shepard, his hands deftly removing the hair tie that had slid down most of the length of her auburn locks. His hand running through her hair felt soothing and she wondered if he had done this before.

"James, where did you learn to put hair in a bun?" She asked the question lazily as he began twisting her hair to wrap into the distinctive bun shape.

"Mi abuela. She had arthritis pretty bad before she died. I used to brush her hair and put it up for her. I can also do long braids if your ever in that kind of mood, Commander." He chuckled as he finished tying her hair up. He stepped back, admiring his handy work. "Perfecto" he said with amusement and managed a wink at the Commander before returning to his seat.

Shepard was struck by an admiration for the Lieutenant in front of her. He was not at all what he seemed and she was drawn to him for it. He made her feel like she wasn't a terrible human being. His simple act of kindness reminded her that at least one person was on her side. She allowed herself to grin at the thought.

James had seen Commander Shepard feign a number of smiles in the last hour. This one was real and radiated from her. It reached her eyes in a way that the others hadn't. Pride swelled as Vega realized she was smiling at what he had done for her. He couldn't help but smile in return.

Anderson walked in just in time to see the both of them grinning at each other like school children. The corners of his mouth twitched upwards as he realized what he was getting into; these two were going to be a handful. He sobered when he thought of the media frenzy waiting for them outside.

"Shepard, sorry for not coming sooner but we have a situation." Shepard visibly tensed at Anderson's words and James noticed a furrow in her brow that hadn't been there before.

"Nothing is ever easy." The words were quiet as they left Shepard's lips and she sounded defeated. Her faced fell as she stared at her feet. James felt his gut churn at her sudden change in demeanor. He wanted nothing more than to see her smile again. His yearning for her happiness confused him but he pushed his thoughts to the side as he waited for Anderson to continue.

"No, it's not. Someone let slip that you were turning yourself in today. There is a mass of reporters, fans, and protestors at the docking bay. We disembarked and went into headquarters for more than an hour. We even made a show of everyone getting off the ship and leaving but the crowd won't disperse. They know you're here Shepard. Now were just trying to find the safest way to get around them." Anderson sounded exhausted and Shepard realized that he hated this as much as she did. James couldn't help from speaking the first thought that entered his mind.

"No offense sir but Alliance HQ is a military base. Civilians can't just camp out at the docks, so couldn't we force them to leave?" James almost regretted the words as soon as he said them. He was a good soldier and questioning a superior officer was not a part of his usual behavior. Anderson quirked an eyebrow before responding.

"Yes, technically we can escort them off base but if we do that for Commander Shepard there could be political blow back. The brass won't let me do it. Believe me, I tried." Shepard looked up from her feet to see Anderson looking older than he ever had before. James almost looked guilty for asking the question and offered Anderson a curt nod for his reply.

"So what do we do?" Shepard knew she wasn't in a position to offer suggestions. She was, after all, the source of all this fall out. She hated politics but she cared for Anderson. The thought of causing him anymore grief pained her greatly.

"Major Coats is working on a solution. We are planning on leaving in the Normandy and docking somewhere else. From there, we can take a shuttle back to the rooftop of HQ. Civilians won't have access no matter how hard they try." Just as he finished the words Shepard felt the telltale hum of the Normandy's engines starting. They were off before Shepard or James could question the plan.

It was a short ride to the alternate docking bay and Shepard was relieved when Anderson said they had the all clear. The Normandy was her ship, _her home_ , but she felt hollow without the crew. And the longer Shepard was aboard without the people she cared about the more her skin began to crawl.

"Alright Lieutenant, you are to stay by Shepard's side throughout the transport. In fact, those are your orders for anytime she is moved. Understood?" Anderson was all business when he needed to be and James straightened in response.

"Yes sir!" James saluted and moved to Shepard's side, offering a hand to help her up. She took it without thinking and a spark shot between them. Shepard and James both knew it was because she was a biotic and they both tried to leave the thought at that.

They made their way to the nearby shuttle without incident. James stood dutifully at the Commander's flank. His eyes swept back and forth across their surroundings and Shepard noted that he seemed like a capable soldier. She only vaguely heard Anderson talking to the shuttle driver.

"Major Coats, thank you for your assistance." Anderson sounded like he was joking with an old friend. Shepard felt the tension in her body ease as she noted their calm appearances.

"Anytime sir." Major Coats grinned as he brought the shuttle deftly down on the rooftop of Alliance HQ.

The shuttle door opened and Shepard was blinded by the sunlight. For a moment she let herself wonder what time it was compared with galactic standard. Anderson and James exited the shuttle in front of her and James turned to offer her his hand. She didn't need it but she took it all the same. She wouldn't refuse his hospitality when it was probably going to be the only nice treatment she was to receive for a long time. In the back of her mind, she realized that she also wanted another excuse to touch him. She shoved that thought away before it had time to fester.

In the distance they could see the Normandy… and the crowd of people surrounding her. Shepard grimaced. She hated the spotlight; hated her own fame. She was a soldier and she liked doing her job but ever since Elysium people wanted interviews and autographs. It made her stomach turn every time someone called out "Commander Shepard!" in public.

Anderson and Major Coats led James and Shepard through Alliance HQ to the detention center. Soldiers instinctively saluted as they walked past and Shepard felt her heartache.

 _How much longer will I be a commander to salute?_

She brushed the thought from her mind just as they reached their destination. Anderson entered a few commands into the door and led them into the apartment. Shepard couldn't believe how nice everything was; she was supposed to be a prisoner, not a guest.

For his part, James had been silent since the shuttle. He was lost in thought and when he had seen the mob in the distance, he started fuming. People treated Shepard like a fucking commodity. It dawned on him that he had done the same at one point and his mood shifted.

 _Am I no better than those pendejos?_

Shepard had earned his respect as a soldier. How long had he forgotten she was a person? He treated her like some paragon of humanity when she was just human. She had strengths and flaws just like he did. James was brought back out of his mind as he crossed the threshold to Shepard's apartment.

 _Scratch that. Our apartment._

He swallowed hard at the revelation, suddenly feeling very nervous for this mission. But Anderson interrupted his thoughts.

"Shepard, get settled. I am going to debrief the Major and the Lieutenant. Here, let me get those cuffs off of you." He reached over and released the omni-cuffs and Shepard instinctively rolled her wrists and began to stretch, releasing the tension from the last few hours. James couldn't take his eyes off her. Anderson cleared his throat and gestured for the two other men to follow him to a table in the common area; then he continued.

"Lieutenant, Major Coats will be your commanding officer on this mission. He reports directly to me and you can trust him. I won't always be earth side so I can't take the lead on this." James nodded and Anderson continued. "You already know that you are going to be living here with Shepard. Any other guards answer to you. They are already assigned specific shifts but you can adjust the schedule as you see fit." James listened intently. He was being given command again and his stomach was in knots. He tried to take solace in the fact that Major Coats was the superior officer and technically the one in charge, but the feeling of dread never quite left him. If Anderson suspected any of James' doubts, he didn't let on.

"I'll leave Major Coats here to explain the finer details of this operation. If you need me Lieutenant, you know how to reach me. Try to get Shepard into some kind of routine. With a soldier like her, it will help with the downtime." James saluted before Anderson turned to leave. He turned his attention to Major Coats for his briefing.

"I don't know if you've figured this out yet or if Anderson told you outright but I'll say it anyway. We're not here to keep Shepard in; we're here to keep everyone else out." James was standing at attention and he felt the bruises from his fight on Omega more now than he had all day.

"Anderson informed me, sir." James didn't know Coats and while Anderson had been friendly with him, James didn't know if he should be easygoing around his superior. As if reading his mind, Coats responded.

"I'm not big on formalities Vega, you can relax." James let his massive shoulders sag slightly and his hands came to rest at his sides.

"Let me tell you a little about the apartment. There are no cameras. From what we gathered from the Normandy, Cerberus has access to unlimited tech. We can't risk hacking attempts. If they ever get enough information, they might be brave enough to try something." James swallowed hard at the idea.

"Shepard has no extra-net access. We're going to confiscate her omni-tool as soon as were done here. Her first meeting with the Defense Committee won't happen for at least a week so get acclimated to the set-up and your team, I expect you'll be here for a while. Any questions?"

"When will I meet my team?" James was eager to meet his people and worried about the moment he had to start giving orders. The conflicting emotions were doing a number to his insides.

"Tonight. You have two guards who work four days on, three days off right now. They overlap every fourth day so that you can have team debriefings. They work twelve hour shifts starting at 2000 and running until 0800 the following morning. Unless they are meeting with you, they are instructed to stand guard in the common areas. This way they have line of sign on the main entrance and the windows. You also have three on call guards for transports and any other situations where need extra bodies. Anything else Vega?"

"No sir." Vega responded with military precision in his voice.

"Well then, I'll be on my way. I expect weekly updates Lieutenant." Major Coats turned and walked out the door so quickly that James didn't have time to respond. He let out a long breath and tried to calm his nerves. He turned looking for Shepard but she wasn't in the room.

 _She must have gone to find her bedroom._

James knocked on the first door that he saw and Shepard answered quickly. Her hair was down again but this time it seemed intentional. She also had removed the BDU jacket she was wearing so only a tight fitting black tank was covering her upper body. James swallowed hard to keep professional. His eyes had a mind of their own and traced their way down the curve of her biceps and across her chest.

"Liking something you see Lieutenant?" Shepard meant to call him out on his ogling but the words had come out like an invitation. She mentally kicked herself.

James couldn't think.

 _Is she flirting with me?_

He shook his head to clear his mind before meeting her eyes.

"I figured you would want some updates Commander." James sounded almost as flustered as he looked and Shepard couldn't help but grin.

"Alright, how does my prison work?" There was a teasing tone to her voice and it put James at ease.

"You know as well as I do that this is more of a safe house than a prison. If you really wanted to, you could hand my ass to me as you strolled out the front door." The image made them both chuckle. James began to speak again as they both regained their composure.

"I am your guard on the day shift. There are two other guards for the night shift that will be posted in the common spaces but they don't start for another four hours. There are a few guards on call, just in case. There aren't any cameras in the apartment either."

"No cameras? Huh, this seems pretty lax, even for a safe house."

"Well cameras can be hacked, Commander."

"True… at least no one will see me naked."

James stood dumbfounded at the offhand comment. She seemed to be taking everything exceptionally well. He couldn't understand how she was keeping it together. He made one mistake and went on a bender on Omega. If Anderson hadn't found him, he probably would have gotten himself killed by now. She had the tougher call and she was paying for it in spades. Yet here she was cracking jokes.

"James?" She quirked an eyebrow as she watched him. "Everything okay?"

He regained his composure and answered with "yeah, commander."

"You're not going to stop calling me commander are you?" She was genuinely curious. She knew it was only a matter of time before her rank and title were stripped from her; would James abide by that?

"No way. You earned it." Shepard had her answered. She would always be the Commander to him. Why did that hurt to think about?

"Sometimes it doesn't feel that way." She answered absentmindedly.

She wondered briefly if James was just another fan. Did he see her as larger than life, even now? The idea was sobering.

 _He_ _doesn't even see me as a person, does he?_

Shepard retreated into her own mind. She was tired of being everyone's hero. Being the hero got her killed, violated back into the world of the living, and now arrested pending a court martial. She wanted to be Jane; the woman who like whiskey and model ships. She wanted to be Shepard; the grunt just out of basic. The hero legacy had been thrown at her feet when she was just 22 years old, thanks to the Skyllian Blitz. Ten years of spotlight, autographs, adoration, criticism, and hatred. She was done; maybe imprisonment would be nice. There were no reporters in prison.

James watched Shepard as she became lost in her own mind. He still couldn't quite figure her out. There were moments where she was friendly and then in the next, melancholy would cast a shadow on her. That's what was happening now.

 _Is this what it looks like when someone breaks?_

James hoped that wasn't happening. Shepard was the only hope for humanity. Her trial was going to be a publicity stunt. None of this was serious, humanity needed Shepard to defeat the Reapers. Anderson and Hackett believed her when she said they were coming. She had two of the highest ranking officers rooting for her; she was going to make it out of this. James just had to keep her distracted until then. In that moment, he realized his purpose. Protect Shepard from everyone, including herself.

He was trying to find a way beyond the walls she was building back up around herself. Maybe teasing her would do it.

"You sleepwalk or anything Commander?" He wanted to nudge her elbow but realized that would have to wait until they built a better rapport.

She chuckled as she answered. "No, why?"

"Got to make sure I don't lose you Shepard." The words took on a double meaning for Vega. He couldn't lose her to herself. Depression was a bitch and once its claws are in you, its hell to get them out.

"Is that so?" Shepard's voice took on the flirty tone from earlier and once again it had been unintentional. She steeled herself.

 _I need to stop. I'm going to lead this guy on…_

James winked at Shepard again. He could work with flirting. Marines flirted all the time; it was a great way to occupy yourself in between battles. But, he had never taken it farther than the harmless interactions. Fraternization had never been appealing to him; too much room for everything to go wrong.

 _Like with Treeya._

He tensed. It was unintentional but he quickly regained his composure. He wondered if Shepard had noticed.

She noticed. She wanted to ask what had bothered him in that moment but couldn't find the words. So she changed the subject.

"Four hours huh? Still got those cards?" Shepard and James both relaxed now that they had something to do.

James found a new deck of cards as he scanned the bookcases in the apartment. He couldn't believe how many analog books there were. Most people read off of their Omni-tools.

 _Shit._

He remembered that he needed to confiscate Shepard's Omni-tool but he wasn't sure how to go about it. He didn't want to treat her like a prisoner but she was one. He figured he was just go with the straightforward approach. He walked back to where she was sitting at the table and sat down with the cards.

"Commander, I'm going to have to confiscate your Omni-tool." Shepard new it would happen. She wondered if she could send a quick message discretely before James noticed. She thought better of it, she wasn't sure who she would want to contact anyway. She loved her team, her friends, but reaching out to them when they wouldn't be able to get a message back wasn't fair. She silently handed over the piece of tech.

James grazed her hand gently as he reached for the omni-tool. Shepard shivered slightly. James stared, in awe of the effect he had on her."

 _Get it together! That was harmless._

He couldn't help himself as he teased her. "I tend to have that effect on women."

"Uh, huh." The sarcasm in Shepard's voice was laid on thick and James mentally kicked himself.

He started to shuffle the deck, thankful for the distraction. They played a few rounds and an amicable silence spread between them. Shepard's mind was elsewhere but she managed to keep her footing in the game. She looked at James, trying to get a read from him. Not just about his hand but about the man himself.

 _Damn, he's big._

That was a stupid thought. Shepard looked at his face and marked the features. Strong jaw, tan skin, scars, full lips, kind eyes…

 _What the fuck?!_

She shook that train of thought away and focused on him again. The bruising spread across his face haphazardly and she couldn't help but wonder what had happened. She had to ask.

"Who decided they hated you enough to stomp on your face?" She smirked slightly.

"Some assholes on Omega." Shepard caught the fury behind his eyes. It was terrifying. It was the first time that his size truly scared her; she never wanted to be on the receiving end of that rage.

"Well, it's always some asshole." She jokingly chided.

"It's a long story." James didn't want to talk about how she made him rip the monitor off the wall. He didn't want to say that he was struggling with what happened on Fehl and she triggered all the emotions he refused to deal with. He didn't want to talk about any of it. So he changed the subject. "How about we trade stories. I don't really want to talk about Omega or how I got there so that is my one."

She quirked an eyebrow and looked at him from over the tops of her cards.

"Your one?" There was a mischievous grin across her face and his breath caught in his throat.

 _That's fucking hot._

He regained some of his composure before answering. "The one I'm not ready to share."

Shepard knew what that felt like. She wondered what her one would be when he asked. Elysium or Virmire? He probably already knew about Virmire. She still wasn't ready to talk about it, or what happened after. She struggled to find her voice for a moment.

"Alright James, ask away." She couldn't think clearly enough to ask him a question first.

"Why'd you enlist? And don't give me that crap about serving your species." He knew what she told the press, he wanted the truth.

She smiled, the bright full smile that he had seen earlier and he melted.

"My parents were both career military. The truth is, on my 18th birthday, I didn't know what else to do. No one had given me options. I was on the ship with my mom and knew that because I was an adult I wouldn't be allowed to stay with her. She was stationed on Anderson's ship. I walked up to him and told him I wanted to enlist. Almost 14 years later and he's arresting me. What a time to be alive." She laughed so hard she snorted. James couldn't help but join her. They laughed until they couldn't breathe. They laughed until their faces hurt. Shepard laughed until tears streamed down her face. Then they laughed some more. The craziness of the situation washed over them both. Eventually, they returned to their game; sore from laughter but in better spirits. James looked up at Shep as he dealt the next hand.

"Your parents still serving?"

"My mom. Dad died right before the Normandy SR-1 was finished. Mom and Dad were still married but… well, Shepards tend to put service before… everything." She struggled to find the words. Her parents were the epitome of dutiful. It had hurt when she was a kid. Her mom was more compassionate than her dad. She spent her time off duty being a loving and caring mother. Shepard's father did not and it still hurt.

James let it go, family was rough and he wasn't sure he would be any better at explaining his. They played in relative silence until they were both too hungry to concentrate. James checked the kitchen but there wasn't any food stocked. He made a mental note to correct that and ordered two plates of food from the cafeteria.

It was 1900 by the time the food arrived. They had played cards for almost three hours and neither of them was winning really. James suspected they were both far too distracted to get their head in the game.

They made small talk as they ate. Shepard asked James where he'd done basic training. They each talked about their tactical style. Shepard suddenly felt tired. When the night shift guard arrived, she took the opportunity to excuse herself and go to sleep. It had been a long day.

James watched her as she walked away. There was a person under all the grandeur of the commander. He was looking forward to meeting her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Scars**

 _Gunshots rang out in the distance. Shepard instinctually spun to see where they were coming from. She was sitting in a restaurant enjoying a beer with some of her squad when the sounds started. Her CO ran in and told her the Batarians were coming and they needed to defend the colony. The shopping center was easily defendable so they set up barricades at the entrance. Shepard was left guarding the only opening as her team walked out to find civilians._

 _Her CO was shot nearly immediately. Children were screaming all around her and she could feel the fear bubbling in her throat._

 _I am going to die today._

 _The thought was painful but she wouldn't spend her last moments dwelling on what could have been. She was determined to save people; it would make her sacrifice worth something._

 _This was supposed to be shore leave. How did she end up here with no armor and only a pistol? She realized that her team was gone and they wouldn't make it back. She was the only line of defense until the Alliance could send in reinforcements._

Shepard tossed and turned as her nightmare raged on. This nightmare occurred often and she knew that it would mirror the events of Elysium until she woke up. She couldn't shake herself into wakefulness. She couldn't take control of her dream. She was prisoner to her memories.

 _She further barricaded the front entrance to the mall. She put up physical barriers, jammed the doors via high level Alliance encryption, and used her biotic barrier as a final shield from the assault that was about to happen._

 _The Batarians came on fast and in large numbers and she was soon out of ammo. She cursed herself for only having her side arm. She figured they were slavers so she surrendered, hoping to buy time. She only hoped that the Alliance would make it in time to save the civilians._

 _Her captors took pleasure in her pain. At first it was a game. They hit her across the face and threatened to use her body for whatever they wanted. She cringed involuntarily and it only brought them more joy._

 _When they realized how tightly she had sealed the shopping center, the Batarians turned vengeful._

 _"You stupid bitch, I should kill you!" one of them screamed, spitting on her face as the words left him._

 _A knife came from somewhere she couldn't see and was brought down above her eye. She screamed in pain._

Shepard knew she was dreaming which made the vivid scenery all the worse. She wanted to change what was happening to her, rewrite her history at least for a little while. No matter what she tried the scene played out in her mind as it always had before. She knew the torture that would come next and the anticipation of the pain caused fear to well in her stomach. She screamed out.

 _She was stripped and pinned to the floor just outside the shopping center door. She screamed and lashed out but it was no use. There were too many of them._

James vaguely heard screaming and roused himself from sleep. One of the night guards was knocking on his door. James slowly remembered that Harrison was the guard on duty. He stood and made his way to answer when he heard the screaming again. It was not a dream, Shepard was screaming. Adrenaline surged through James and he pulled his bedroom door open with fury. Harrison mumbled something about it being a nightmare and James slowed.

"Thanks, I got it. Go stand guard in the hallway. If anyone asks, the situation is under control." James did his best to sound calm and alert. The guard responded by saluting before he turned to walk away.

James slowly opened the door to Shepard's bedroom just as she let out a whimper. Whatever she was dreaming about sounded extremely unpleasant. James didn't hesitate once he saw the pained look on her face; he closed the gap to her bed and tried to wake her.

"Shepard?" He asked tentatively. She turned but didn't wake. James could clearly see the tears that were running down her face. He tried again, nearly yelling her name. She screamed again but didn't wake up.

James sat on the edge of the bed and gently shook Shepard by the shoulders. She was wearing a sports bra and boy shorts and nothing else. Her skin felt damp under his hands and he wondered, briefly, what had her so shaken.

Shepard cried out and thrashed before James had enough time to react. She landed a blow to his face and he cursed under his breath. It hurt like hell and he knew it was going to leave a mark. At least it would be hidden by the bruises he had from Omega.

He tried to gain control of her flailing limbs and pulled her up into his lap. At first he just held her still so she wouldn't hit him again. Slowly, he began to rock back and forth while gently calling Shepard's name. She was warm beneath his touch. She slowly relaxed and started to wake.

 _They were cutting slashes into her flesh. All she had to do was open the doors for them and she would be safe. Each cut caused a searing pain to run through her and she writhed trying to get away. It never worked. She heard her name and expected to see one of her squad mates pleading for their life. Instead a fog rolled over the dream and all the pain left her body._

Shepard could feel herself being rocked back and forth. She tensed, not knowing what to make of her current situation. She could hear a deep voice telling her she was safe but she couldn't place the voice. She felt arms around her shoulders and waist but the person holding her seemed unfamiliar. She blinked away sleep trying to take stock of her surroundings.

 _James._

"Oh my God, James! Did I hit you?" Her eyes grew wide with panic as she noticed the swelling around his eye. There was also trickle of blood that was no doubt blocking his vision. Shepard had always been violent in her sleep and James would not be the first victim of her nightmares.

"Yeah, you pack quite the punch Commander." He smiled down at her.

"Oh, shit… James, I'm so sorry." He had let her go and she slid so that she was sitting next to him. She buried her head in her hands to avoid making eye contact.

"I'll be alright Shepard, you okay? Seemed like quite the dream." Genuine concern shaped his features and Shepard relaxed a little bit.

"Yeah, I'm good. Nightmares just come with the job I guess." She looked back at James and studied his injuries. She really had done a number on his face. "Fuck James… Let's go take care of your face. I really am sorry." She was still shaken from her dream but James gave her something to focus on. She was thankful for the distraction.

"Don't worry about it Shepard. I've been hit by worse." James didn't want her to feel bad for something that was out of her control. James had nightmares often enough to know how they can be and Shepard had seen some terrible things. His face would heal; he wanted to make sure that she was alright.

"That might be true James but I did this, now let me fix it." James recognized the _Commander_ tone she was using and knew that he would have to let her patch him up. He relented.

He responded with a simple "okay" as she led him to the kitchen of their apartment. He was suddenly very thankful that he told the guard to wait in the hallway. It would be hard to explain why he was beaten and bruised.

"Sit." She told him as she pointed to one of the stools that was tucked under the bar height counter. He watched her and she rummaged through the kitchen. She found a towel quickly and started to clean away the blood from his face and chest.

James was suddenly very aware of their mutual state of undress. He was seated but she had to stand on her tip toes to get a good look at the cut above his eye. He tried to find other places to look but her chest was in his face. She moved back away from him a few feet and made eye contact.

"You don't need stitches but I should clean it out. While I find a first aid kit, we should get something cold on your eye." As she spoke she started to open the freezer. It was pretty sparse but she was able to find a bag of frozen peas. She came back to James and gently placed the bag on his eye.

James couldn't believe how gentle she was. Her hands were soft like velvet as they moved along the wounds of his face. She was a warrior, known for her ability to kill. Here she was tending to a cut like she was a mother helping a child. James never wanted her to stop. He mustn't have been paying attention because Shepard grabbed his hand and placed it over the bag of peas.

"I have to look for the first aid kit, remember?" Shepard turned again and started opening cabinets. She found a first aid kit under the sink and started to inspect it. There was the standard medigel packet as well as some hydrogen peroxide. She dampened a piece of gauze before returning to James side.

"You're going to have to move the peas so I can see what I am doing James." He lowered the bag to the counter and returned his hands to his lap before turning to face her again.

She watched his eyes as they found hers. She noticed for the first time that they were a rich chocolate color; full of warmth and raw emotion. She could see the man behind the tough guy image. She could see why Anderson thought she and James were similar. She hid behind her mask; falling into the Commander role to hide her true self. Sometimes it was easier to be who others expect you to be.

Shepard started to wipe away the wound gently and James winced. She applied slightly more pressure and his hand shot up instinctively to grab her wrist. They stared at each other for a moment that seemed to stretch into eternity. Guilt built in Shepard's gut as she realized this was all her fault. She looked at his face and marked the features as she had done the day before.

 _Tan skin, bruises, scars, chocolate eyes, full lips._

James had begun caressing her wrist with his thumb. The motion was so gentle that Shepard almost didn't notice. His eyes never left hers and James wondered briefly what she was thinking. Shepard chewed on her lip and they both began to lean closer to each other.

They weren't thinking when the guard opened the door. James dropped her hand and Shepard jumped back knocking over one of the other stools.

"Shit." She cursed under her breath as she reached down and picked the stool back up. Harrison looked back and forth between James and Shepard before he spoke.

"Sorry sir. When I didn't hear back from you I came in for a status report. I'll head back into the hall." He turned and walked back out the door. If James had his wits about him, he would have realized how bad everything looked. He was in a pair of shorts and nothing else and Shepard was in her underwear.

He shook his head as he said, "this looks bad." Shepard chuckled.

"Yeah, yeah it does." She handed him the medigel for his eye and awkwardly shifted from foot to foot. "I'm going to try to go back to sleep, sorry about your face." She was no longer looking at him. It was probably for the best. Neither of the two understood what just happened.

"Don't worry about it Shepard. It'll heal." She was halfway down the hall before James applied the medigel. The bleeding had stopped and the swelling went down quite a bit. He went to go back to bed before remembering that Harrison was still outside. He was not looking forward to the gossip that this night would inspire. He groaned as he changed course for the front door.

The door opened quickly and James waited for Harrison to finish saluting before he spoke.

"You can come back inside. Did anyone have questions while you were out here?" James turned and Harrison followed him back inside the apartment.

"No sir." Harrison was all business now that he had composed himself. James appreciated it because that meant there would be no awkward questions.

"Shepard had a nightmare; I imagine she'll have more. Don't try to wake her or your face will end up like mine." James sounded exhausted, his injuries finally catching up to him.

"Sir, what would you like me to do if she starts screaming again?" Harrison quirked a brow.

"Come find me." It was an order and James put as much authority into the words as he could muster. "Anything else?"

"No sir!" Harrison answered quickly.

"Good, I am going back to sleep." James shuffled back to his room and fell heavily onto his bed. His thoughts lingered on what happened in the kitchen. Was Shepard going to kiss him? Was he going to kiss her? James was attracted to Shepard but he knew where to draw the line. She was a prisoner and a fellow Alliance marine; there were rules against fraternization and James had no plans to break them.

James laid in bed awake until sunlight started to slip through the window in his room. The image of Shepard leaning towards him half-naked, never left his mind. He huffed and rubbed his eyes. James gave up trying to sleep and made his way to the shower. He turned the water so that it was almost too hot. As he showered his mind wandered back to Shepard and what happened in the kitchen.

 _She just felt bad for hitting you._

The thought tore at James. He felt that it was the truth, but some part of him hoped for more. James finished showering with practiced speed. He turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry off. Once he was done he stared at himself in the mirror. He looked like he had done a couple rounds with a krogan. All of the cuts to his face were scabbed over and the bruises were a red-purple color. The spot where Shepard had hit him was the worst.

 _She is strong as hell._

James needed to think of something else. He had always had a crush on Commander Shepard. He idolized the Normandy. His current feelings were a product of the admiration. He needed to get it together.

He dressed and made his way to the kitchen to make breakfast. He had requested groceries before he went to sleep last night and they had been delivered while he was in the shower.

 _Got to love military efficiency._

He started to make some eggs and bacon, enough for two. He heard Shepard open her door before he saw her and nervousness suddenly struck him. He wasn't sure what he would say to her. He continued to cook breakfast as she walked up beside him. He could feel the tension in his shoulders and rolled them to try and release it.

Shepard didn't say a word to James. She hadn't been able to go back to sleep. Batarians filled her dreams and the truth was she was too scared to dream. She read a book and sat staring out the window until it was time to get up. She heard James in the kitchen and was curious when she heard the pots and pans. Shepard walked up beside him and looked in the pan. It was enough food for the both of them, even with James' bulk. She looked up at James' face and felt a pang of guilt run through her. She must have hit him full force because his right eye looked worse than any other part of his face. She wanted to touch the spot and see how bad it was; after last night, she refrained.

She looked away; suddenly not trusting herself to remain composed. As she turned she saw the coffee maker. She started looking for coffee if only to have something to do.

"Farthest cabinet." James' voice was gruff from disuse.

"Thanks."

Shepard set to work making the coffee. The awkward silence drew on between them until James finally spoke again.

"The foods ready." He served the food onto two plates and set them both on the table before returning to the kitchen for silverware. Shepard grabbed two mugs and filled them with coffee. She added milk to hers and nothing else.

"How do you like your coffee?"

"Black is fine."

She returned with both mugs in hand and seated herself across from James.

"Thanks for breakfast." She said tentatively.

"Anytime. It isn't anything special but it's better than rations." He tried to smile but it was forced. He was so unsure of himself around Shepard.

They ate in silence and the tension grew the longer no one spoke. Shepard finished her food in record time and excused herself to wash her dish. When she was done she went back to her room, she was too hesitant to be around James.

She sat in the bed and stared out the window, unsure of what to do. On the Normandy she would be making rounds and checking in on her ship. She couldn't exactly check on her prison. The boredom was going to get to her.

She stared out the window for a long time, not focusing on anything in particular when she heard a knock on the door. She got up slowly and made her way to answer it.

James stood there shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot. Shepard wanted to close the door and turn away; she wasn't one for awkward situations.

James for his part struggled to make eye contact. He wanted to ask her about her nightmare and he wanted to clear the air about what happened after. He needed to break whatever tension had built between them so they could live together without walking on eggshells.

"Shepard, what happened last night?"

 _Way to go Vega, you have such a way with words._

The thought dripped with sarcasm.

Shepard paused for a moment. She wasn't sure what happened. One minute she was chatting with another marine, and then… She dreaded talking about it. But that wasn't everything that happened; James woke her from a nightmare. She figured she would focus on the dream.

"I was dreaming about the Blitz." Shepard said almost deadpan.

James was caught off-guard; he wasn't asking about her nightmare. He had almost forgotten how last night started and hearing that it was about the Blitz made him feel uneasy. Shepard didn't ever talk about Elysium willingly. When she gave interviews after the Blitz, Anderson did most of the talking. He was surprised to hear her bring it up. Shepard sat on the bed and pointed James to the nearby chair. He took it without question, realizing that this was going to be an interesting story.

"I dream about it a lot actually, more than I care to admit…" There was a very pregnant pause and James almost thought Shepard wouldn't continue. " I was tortured James. Anderson made sure the details were classified but there is only so much I can do to hide what happened. The Alliance needed a hero, not a traumatized marine. I was patched up and sent to be the poster child for humanity."

There wasn't any resentment in her voice. James was certain he would not have been as cavalier. The thought of the Alliance using Shepard made him feel sick.

"No one has ever been able to help with the dreams though. I was on shore leave, shopping with some of my squad. I was just a grunt. I was eating with some fellow marines. Then I heard gunfire. A lot of gunfire."

Shepard's face became distant and a pang of guilt ran through James. He was making her relive one of her darkest days.

"My CO ran up and found us; told us we needed to secure the shopping center. My squad left to find the threat. I was left to protect the civilians. The shopping center had only one entrance. I sealed it with every Alliance encryption I could remember. I barricaded the doors too; I was trying to buy time until the Alliance could send in reinforcements. I stayed just outside the door in case more survivors showed up. I thought I was going to die. I wasn't far off." She was slow to reveal every bit of information, as if saying the words conjured the memory.

James thought about what he was hearing. Shepard looked so small as she told the story. James knew that he was getting an inside glimpse of the woman behind the legend. He wanted more stories. He wanted to pull back the curtain as far as it would go.

"I only had a pistol. I figured if I was going to die, I might as well fight like hell to protect the people inside. The Batarians found me shortly after I had sealed the mall. I killed eight of them before I ran out of ammo. They captured me because they wanted me to open the door and I refused. They couldn't break the codes so they decided to break me. They slashed my face first. The scar that I had before Cerberus rebuilt me was curtesy of the Batarian raiders. They stripped me naked and laid me out on the ground. They had me for four hours before the Alliance made it to Elysium."

James could feel the bile building in his throat. He had imagined the Skyllian Blitz as being some heroic push where Commander Shepard saves the day. This story was far from what he thought had happened.

"They kept cutting me; always somewhere new. When cutting me to pieces didn't work, they started to break bones. They broke every one of my fingers, three ribs, and my arm. By the time the Alliance found us, the Batarians had digressed to just beating me. Who knows what would have happened next. Anderson had the Alliance transfer me to his ship where I was patched up. The next day I made Lieutenant. I was given the Star of Terra the following week. About a month after the Blitz, I started n-school. I used to have nightmares every night but one of my instructors taught me to recognize when I was dreaming. Usually, I can deal with them. Last night… well it was the first time in a while that I couldn't."

James didn't know what to say. He looked at her face; trying to find a sign for what to say. Nothing came to him. James was one to have a quick retort for everything. Shepard had him scrambling to find his voice. Shepard tilted her head so that she was staring at her lap before she spoke again.

"I've never told anyone that before. I'm honestly not sure why I told you." She sounded almost guilty as if her admission made her weak.

"You told me because you wanted to, or you needed to." The seriousness in James' voice startled Shepard and she looked up in time to meet his gaze. His eyes felt like they were piercing deep into her soul but his face remained soft. A smile started at one corner of his mouth and Shepard felt herself relax.

"I suppose I did." She returned the smile before turning her head to gaze out the window. She felt lighter than she had in years. She hadn't planned to share the details of Elysium, just the overall gist. Somehow, naming what had happened to her made her feel whole again. Shepard sat staring out the window for a few more minutes before James got up to leave. He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder before he walked away.

 _He feels solid._

Shepard let the thought linger as she dozed. Her nap was dreamless and peaceful for the first time in a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Boiling Point**

Shepard stared at the book she had been reading without actually retaining the words. It had been eight days since she had been brought to Earth and the Defense Committee still hadn't met with her. She hated waiting and she hated the Alliance for drawing out this stupid trial.

 _I need to find something to do before I lose it._

James was almost as bad as Shepard. But, the LT had an omni-tool and spent his time writing reports and contacting family. James had distractions, Shepard did not. Shepard couldn't stop herself; she let out an exasperated huff.

James looked up and quirked and eyebrow.

"I'm so bored I am going to lose my mind." Shepard let her head fall back until it hit the armrest on the couch. "How long do you think they're going to keep me waiting James?"

"If I had to bet… long enough for you to start pulling out your hair." He tried hard to keep his face serious but the light behind his eyes betrayed his teasing.

"So they should be here any minute now." Shepard made the statement casually and she sat up and started looking around the room. She needed to find a way to occupy her time. The captivity was starting to wear on her.

James watched her over the letter he was typing. They both tried to keep their interactions light hearted since she had told him about Elysium. Shepard couldn't handle the gravity of sharing the truth with a complete stranger. James couldn't bring himself to think about his own demons either. So they settled for superficial friendliness.

He watched Shepard as a look of determination spread across her features. Her rich red locks cascaded down her shoulders as she looked around the room.

 _There are too many windows._

It was a brief thought that swam through Shepard's mind. She started to think about her prison with a new purpose. There were too many security risks; too many ways an enemy could get to her. Shepard was determined to find them all. She needed to make it out to stop the Reapers.

James stared at her and she paced the room. He didn't want to interrupt her, mostly because he wasn't sure how. She slipped behind her bedroom door and he decided to let her be; he returned his attention to his omni-tool.

Shepard searched for a pen and paper. She found what she looked for quickly started working on her report. Her wrist ached as she scribbled down notes. Everyone learned to write on paper but the skill was rarely used in adulthood since everyone had a computer on their wrist. She managed to write legibly despite the lack of practice.

 _Damn, I miss my omni-tool._

Shepard started in the bathroom that connected her room to James'. There were no windows but the ventilation system was a weak point. There were no alarms on the grate and the vent was large enough that a small adult could squeeze through.

 _The boredom really has driven me mad._

Shepard pushed the thought away in favor of having something to occupy her mind. She moved into her room and noted the windows. They didn't appear to have any sort of barrier and a skilled sniper could easily kill her while she slept.

 _Even Liara knew to have a barrier up._

She repressed the urge to wretch as the memories of Liara's apartment on Illium surface. Shepard could easily face the same fate and she didn't have a barrier to protect her. She refocused and thought of Garrus. She looked out the window and mentally marked the place he would most likely create a sniper's nest.

She wrote down the location as well as three others that had a clear line of sight to her bed. If she were in charge, she would have patrols inspect all four locations nightly. But, she wasn't in charge.

 _Why am I even doing this?_

She shook the thought and continued. The vents were a problem in every room. Some were large enough for two humans to crawl through side by side. Shepard shuddered as she imagined her enemies pouring through into the room.

She moved through the apartment with an attention to detail she hadn't had before. She could feel James' eyes on her but tried to avoid looking back at him. Things were still awkward and forced between them and she wasn't sure how to explain what she was doing until it was done. She turned her attention to the entrance of their apartment.

There wasn't a window in the door or a camera feed to the hallway; which meant James and Shepard had no way to tell who was on the other side. Shepard would have felt better even if they only had a peep hole.

 _Maybe I can request one._

She allowed herself to smile at the thought. She turned from the door just in time to catch James staring at her.

"Got something to say Lieutenant?" She opened her arms as she posed the question; almost an invitation for critism.

"Nope, just taking mental note of what will happen if they ever take my omni-tool away."

"You'll end up writing sitrep reports for your guard." She plopped the pad of paper into James' lap before returning to her seat across from him. She leaned sideways across the armrest and stared at James as he read her notes.

"You really don't know how to stop being a marine do you Shepard?" His eyes scanned the page as he asked the question.

"Nope, do you?" She quipped in response.

"Nope."

"Sometimes I think we should start a club." She chuckled dryly as she threw her arm over her eyes. Shepard never could bring herself to rest during down time. It only made the exhaustion during missions worse but she wasn't one to take a break.

James snorted as he scanned her notes. Most of the weak points were things he had seen but something struck his attention.

"The vents, huh?" He turned his attention to Shepard with a seriousness that nearly startled her. She almost forgot that this was an assignment for Vega.

"Yeah, especially that one." She pointed to the very large vent behind James' head and he turned to look at it. "Most of the vents would be hard to get through, but even you could crawl through that one."

"Yeah, I think we should do something about that." James was lost in thought. How had he not noticed the vents before? The windows were obvious and noting the lack of sight lines came with experience. The vents bothered him. "How did you notice the vents anyway?"

"I used to crawl through them as a kid." Shepard blushed from embarrassment.

"Now that sounds like a story."

"Maybe for another time, looks like we have company." Shepard uncovered her face and nodded in the direction of the front door.

Anderson and Coats strolled through the entrance to the apartment. Anderson had a pained look on his face that concerned James. Something unpleasant was about to occur. Shepard looked like she was trying to brace herself for an attack.

"The Defense Committee wants to meet with you Shepard."

"Finally, when?" Shepard sagged with relief.

"Now."

"Great, keep a girl waiting and then give her no warning." Shepard chuckled but it was forced.

"Be civil Shepard, I can only do so much to protect you." Anderson was frustrated and there was more warning in his tone than his words.

"You got it, dad." Shepard rolled her eyes for emphasis.

She made her way into her room and changed into a formal uniform complete with her officer's bars. She knew this might be the last time she could wear her uniform and a twinge of sadness filled her chest. Shepard returned the living room and waited to follow Anderson's lead.

They walked out into the hallway with Vega glued to Shepard's side. He knew his role and he would never have to be told twice. Shepard was tense, her shoulders looked like they had been starched just as much as her dress blues. James wanted to reassure her that this was all for show, but he knew it wouldn't help. If he were in her shoes, no one would be able to console him.

Anderson walked into the conference room with Shepard before instructing Major Coats and Vega to wait outside. James hated the idea of waiting but he knew better than to argue. He briefly remembered what Shepard had been talking about before Anderson came for them.

"Major?" Coats shifted his attention to the LT. "I have some security concerns for the apartment. Can I requisition alarmed sensors and shield barriers?"

"Ah, I wondered when you would get around to that. Yes, you can requisition anything you need for securit…"

Before Coats could finish, they both heard yelling from inside the conference room. James would have expected it to be Shepard but Anderson's voice was the one booming. All conversation between James and Major Coats died off.

"How dare you do this to her?!" The muffled shouting emanated from the room and James had a hard time making out what was said.

"Admiral, contain yourself! This is not a final decision; it is merely for the investigation."

"That you won't start for another two months! What are you going to do when the Reapers get here?" The anger in Anderson's voice was something James had never heard before; it was terrifying. James made a mental note to never piss off the Admiral. Anderson's anger distracted James and he almost didn't note what was being said.

 _Two months before they event_ _ **start**_ _their investigation. How long will this take?_

James wondered if the Reaper's would come back before Shepard could be freed. His thoughts were interrupted when Shepard and Anderson rushed out of the conference room. Anderson looked livid. Shepard looked small and distant. James' heart ached at the sight of her; she deserved so much more than what the Alliance what doing to her.

"Stripped of rank and title. To be detained pending investigation. Investigation set to commence 60 days from the initial hearing." Anderson was reading off the official report of the meeting. The lines around his eyes were more pronounced than James remembered.

"Shit." The word left his mouth before he had time to think about it.

Shepard laughed; it was a crazed sound. Shepard was breaking. James and everyone in the room turned and stared.

"What? The great Commander Shepard can't lose it? Fuck that, fuck this. We're all dead now anyway." Shepard sounded like a teenager. She even punctuated her words by crossing her arms over her chest and stomping her feet. James just watched. Nothing he could say would make this easier for her; he wouldn't belittle her by trying.

"Shepard…" Anderson sighed as he spoke.

"Don't you Shepard me! How much of my life have I given to the Alliance, _given up_ for the alliance? I'm not the Commander anymore, so I'm done acting like it." She marched off toward the apartment and James had to jog to catch up. Anderson shook his head but made no move to follow.

"Commander, wait!" James had to yell after her.

 _I'm not the Commander anymore._

Shepard spun on her heals and jab a finger into James' well-toned chest. "I am NOT a commander anymore! They took that away from me… Months… This stupid farce is going to take MONTHS! How the hell am I supposed to do nothing for months James?" She was visibly shaking now and James had to resist the urge to pull her into an embrace. He wanted to shield her from the pain. He tried humor to break her out of her own head.

"I can think of a few things to do." He punctuated the comment with a wink.

Shepard knew what Vega was trying to do and she appreciated the gesture. She was too angry to be okay though. She was too upset and felt herself falling apart at the seams.

"You're something else, Vega." She muttered the words and tears started to stream down her cheeks. She couldn't stop herself from crying and she felt weak. She might not be Commander Shepard in title anymore but the strong marine façade was hard to shake. She was embarrassed about crying and before she thought better of it she bolted for the apartment.

James stood dumbfounded for only a moment before he chased after Shepard.

 _Was she crying? Shit._

Shepard was fast. James thought for a moment that she must be using her biotics to boost her speed but he couldn't know for certain.

James was able to maintain a visual on Shepard as she ran through Alliance HQ but only just. She was wicked fast and every marine turned to him with a concerned look on their faces. He just smiled and continued to chase the now former commander.

He caught up with her just as she entered the apartment. He reached out to grab her arm but she was out of his reach in a matter of seconds. By the time James had enough sense to try and reach for her again she disappeared behind her bedroom door.

"Vega." Anderson's voice wafted across the room and caught James off guard.

"Yes sir?" He turned on his heal and saluted the higher ranking officer. Anderson's shoulders sagged and he let out a long sigh. He rubbed his face before he continued.

"I don't know what do to here. I've known Shepard almost her entire life. I still see the little girl I need to protect. How do I protect her from the Alliance?"

"I don't know sir. I don't even know how to talk to her." James was shocked by his own admission.

"You two are more alike than you think, you will figure it out. Anyway, I came here to let you know that this is your official assignment indefinitely. I figured you would have questions after hearing how long this might be."

"You just answered the only one I had sir."

"Alright, I wanted to talk to Shepard but I know better. I'm an Alliance admiral. Even though were close, I still represent the people who just took everything away from her. Take care of her James; she's going to need a friend."

Anderson turned and left with his head down and James knew how much this was wearing on the old marine. He loved Shepard and this injustice was tearing him up too. It didn't help that Shepard was hard to read and even harder to help.

James took a few moments to catch his breath. He wanted to go straight to Shepard and do some damage control but he wasn't even sure what the damage was. He tried to put himself in her position. The Alliance gave him a second chance. He could easily have been sucked into the drug trade by his father. The Alliance gave him the opportunity to be something more. If he was stripped of everything he had worked for over the last decade, he wouldn't know what to feel.

James was lost in his own thoughts for what seemed like an eternity as he tried to figure out what to do next. He didn't have answers. How was he supposed to support Shepard, be her friend? They weren't even able to have a real conversation with one another. Here he was thinking of his own life, his own mess instead of trying to talk to her. Just as he turned toward her room, he heard a loud crash and what sounded like glass breaking.

His feet moved before he had time to think. James opened the door and he wasn't sure what he would find.

Shepard was on the floor, hugging her knees and sobbing violently. She was barely able to breath and the catching of her breathes tore at something in James' heart. He moved with determination before she spoke.

"Get OUT!" Shepard tried hard to put as much menace behind her voice as possible. She didn't do weak, but here she was crying like a child. She didn't want anyone to witness her hit bottom.

James stopped dead in his tracks at her words. There was anger and frustration in her voice and he almost headed her warning. Almost.

 _Cabron, if you walk out on her, are you any better than the Defense Committee?_

No, she needed somebody to show her that they believed in her. He believed her. Everything she had done, everything she said was true. The Alliance may have just signed everyone's death certificate by locking her up. At least he could show her that someone has her back.

He continued moving toward her and saw that she had thrown a vase at the wall. He made a mental note before crossing the distance between them. Shepard threw a pillow in his direction and he easily dogged it. She was crying more violently now and James didn't know what to do. He sat next to her and she leaned into his shoulder. Her sobs wracked through them both for what seemed like an eternity.

He was frozen with uncertainty.

 _If we were friend and she wasn't a prisoner, what would I do?_

James pulled her into a hug, surrounding Shepard in a warmth that she was unaccustomed to. She tensed briefly but sagged into his embrace.

Shepard couldn't think. Everything she had ever known was different now. She died over Alchera and she felt as if that should have been the end. She woke up in Cerberus hands, a pawn. She was in Alliance custody, still a pawn. She missed the clear direction her life had before she was labeled a traitor. She missed being in control.

A new wave of sorrow washed over her and she buried her head in Vega's shoulder. She didn't let herself think about why he was there or why he didn't leave when she asked him to, she was thankful for the support. She needed it.

As Shepard wrapped herself into James, he began mumbling reassuring words into her hair.

"It'll be alright. I'm here." James rested his cheek on the top of her head and squeezed her in a way that he hoped was calming.

"Why?" Shepard's voice rasped as she nearly choked the word out. "Why are you here?"

"Because, I have your back Shepard."

"You barely know me James. I'm clearly a mess; you don't have to do this." She could feel herself pushing him away as a defense mechanism. She was afraid to be vulnerable and here she was crying in James' arms. If she pushed him away, maybe she could gain some of her composure back.

"We're all a mess and we all fall apart sometimes. I think your handling this all pretty well considering."

"Thanks." The tears were coming less frequently and Shepard was able to catch her breathe. "How many people do you think filmed me running down the hallway crying?" It was an odd thought and it came to her so suddenly that she had to ask the question. She was struck with embarrassment, it wasn't a feeling to which she was accustomed and she wasn't sure how to play off the situation.

James chuckled at her question. He hadn't noticed anyone filming them as they raced through Alliance HQ but he was sure that someone did.

"I don't know but I imagine the reporters are going to have a lot of fun figuring out who I am and why I was chasing you."

"Disgraced former Commander Shepard chased through Alliance Headquarters by her boyfriend as tears stream down her face. The headline just writes itself…"

"So I'm your boyfriend now?"

"Ugh…" Shepard turned bright red with James' teasing.

"It was a joke Shepard. You remember what those are right?" James felt the tension leave the room as Shepard calmed.

"Yeah, yeah I do…" Her mind wandered and she briefly questioned why it was so easy to talk to James one minute and so hard the next. "I just feel like I never quite have a read on you Vega."

"You're trying to figure me out Shepard? I'm flattered." Shepard slid out of his embrace and James felt the distinct loss of her touch.

"Well, I am trying to figure out if you pity me or genuinely care. I barely know anything about you…" She wanted to swallow the words back up as she said them. She broke the lighthearted comradery that had shared over the last few days. It was too hard for either of them to open up, and she knew it. But, here she was pushing for more information.

Shepard thought of all the people she had done this too before. Liara, Garrus, Kaidan, Ashley, Tali, Jack, and even Anderson; she had pushed them all to share more of themselves with her. In the end it had made them better friends but a lot that had to do with timing. She wasn't sure getting James to open up would work right now.

"I guess that's fair. For the record, I care. The Alliance means a lot to me, but doing the right thing means more. They owe you more than this…" James swallowed hard. She wanted to know more about him. That meant a lot but… James always struggled with opening up. It was easier for him to play the meathead marine than to let people in. James took a deep breathe before he continued. "What do you want to know?"

"Why did you enlist? And, don't give me bullshit about serving humanity. I, of all people, can see through that shit."

James smiled. Shepard started with the same question he had asked her only a few days before. He paused trying to figure out the best place to start.

"I needed a way out." Shepard tilted her head; it was a cute gesture that caught James off guard. She was smiling at him, still puffy eyed from crying. It took him a few seconds to remember what he was doing. "My mom died when I was a kid. Mi abuelita raised me after that. She died when I was 17 so I had to go live with my dad. He was an addict, red sand. Even used me to pick up his shit once. I thought my life was over after that; but, my tio Emilio made sure I still had a shot with the Alliance. The Alliance gave me a chance to be more than the messed up kid I was back on Earth. I owe them a lot." James couldn't believe that he had told someone the whole truth. He usually just said something about getting off earth. He watched Shepard's expression, waiting for the hint of disappointment to show through her features. It never came.

"You are truly a good man James Vega." Shepard watched as doubt spread across his features. She knew that feeling of uncertainty all too well. "I mean that. You want to do what's right, even when it's hard. You walked away from your own father to do some good. Most people couldn't do that. I don't know if I could have done that."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. James didn't know what to say and Shepard had said everything she wanted to say. She tried hard to stay in the moment. She knew that Vega had opened himself up to distract her from the Defense Committee. It was only fair that she try to stay attentive. James didn't know what to say to Shepard. She had paid him the biggest compliment of his life. Part of him didn't want to disturb the moment, too afraid that it wasn't real.

Eventually, they began to share stories with one another. Shepard described how she had crawled through the vents of Anderson's ship as a kid. She was curious about how things worked and had nearly gotten herself spaced. Anderson still teased her on occasion about the incident, but far less since she had actually been spaced.

James shared stories of family and friends he had in San Diego.

Slowly the conversation died away and they said their goodbyes for the evening. Shepard felt a calm wash over her as she drifted into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Vulnerable**

Shepard woke up slowly. She felt lazy and warm and… wonderful. She hadn't slept so well in ages and she felt like years had been returned to her. Shepard stretched and allowed herself to bask in the warmth of the sunlight as it washed across her bed. As she always did, she began to take stock of her surroundings.

 _I am NOT on the Normandy. I turned myself in to the Alliance. I am at HQ in Vancouver. I am a prisoner. They took my rank…and I was a brat about it._

Dread washed over her as she remembered the day before. She had acted like a spoiled child and had cried… in front of people. She never allowed herself to be emotional, even when she was facing her most difficult challenges. Angry? Sure. Weepy? Never. Why did being officially imprisoned catch her off guard? What did she expect was going to happen to her?

 _You killed 300,000 people. You deserve so much worse._

She was too embarrassed to leave her room and face the world. Shepard wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and fade into obscurity.

A knock at the door quickly ended that dream.

 _Damn._

"Give me one second." She yelled as she got up and pulled on a shirt.

 _I've got to get my shit together. Someone is always watching._

Shepard opened the door and found James staring back at her. Shepard opened her mouth for a second as if trying to formulate a sentence but nothing came out. She felt so sure that they could be friends last night. But, in the cold light of day, she was too ashamed to act rationally. He saw her fall apart in a way no one else had. This was new territory for Shepard and she was not good with uncertainty. Did James see her as weak, irrational? Shepard couldn't stand the idea of either.

James looked surprised by her utter lack of confidence; it was distinctly different than her typical demeanor. He smiled a slightly amused smile before he spoke.

"I'm thinking of making breakfast, you hungry?" He looked at her intently and Shepard shifted, suddenly more uncomfortable under his gaze. She nodded sheepishly, not trusting her voice. James chuckled and turned to head towards the kitchen. Shepard followed.

 _We were fine yesterday… Stop acting weird. You are Commander Shepard, even if they took your rank._

"I don't think I remember how to be just Jane." She hadn't meant to say the words aloud and now they hung heavily in the air.

James paused as he pulled tortillas out from the cabinet. He stared at Shepard for a few heartbeats unsure of what to say.

 _It really bothers her not be to the Commander anymore._

"You…" He started speaking before he knew what he was going to say. He wanted to reassure Shepard but the words died in his throat. He took a deep breath before he tried to continue. "You have always been Jane, and you were made a commander because you are you. Being a commander didn't change who you are or how you operate." James blushed, it was subtle under his tan skin but Shepard caught it. Neither of the two were sure what the blush meant.

"I... thanks."

Shepard looked at her feet. She wasn't good at taking compliments, she never had been. Every time someone praised her it felt like it was out of pity. James walked over to her and rested his hand on her bicep.

"Hey…" James tried hard to keep his voice soft and reassuring. Shepard looked up; a complicated look was on her face. James couldn't quite place the emotion. "I mean it. You are the same person no matter what people call you." A smile started at the corner of Shepard's mouth, James had a way of settling her mind.

 _How does he do that?_

He returned to the meal he was preparing and Shepard felt the distinct loss of his hand on her arm. She watched him intently like a child watching their parent. James moved with a grace that was unexpected from a man his size. Shepard tried to relax but she still felt unsure of what to do while he cooked their meal. She tried to find something to talk about.

"So you know how to do hair _and_ cook. Is there a Mrs. Vega?" She posed the question as she slid onto one of the bar stools.

"Why, you jealous Commander?" Shepard felt the heat rising in to her face and she tried hard to suppress her response. They had fallen into a pattern of shameless flirting and teasing. Shepard was fine with that; she had shared that sort of friendship with people before. But, he called her Commander. Shepard wasn't sure if he had meant to do it but it hurt to hear. Even after James tried to reassure her it hurt. It was one thing to hear someone tell you that you are the same person; it was a different thing entirely to hear someone call you a title that was just ripped away.

"I'm not a commander anymore, remember?" James noticed the change in her demeanor. He had meant the whole thing as a harmless joke but calling her commander right now was a mistake. He thought he broke through her self-loathing, but he could see just how deeply this ran for Shepard. He searched for a way to turn the moment around and hoped that continuing the joke would help.

"Oh yeah, now we don't have to worry about regs." James wiggled his eyebrows suggestively to make his point clear.

"You are something else Vega… and you are avoiding my question." Shepard smiled broadly as she teased James. She forced herself to forget where and she was and escape her imprisonment. For the moment, Shepard was just a person sharing a meal with a new friend. Ranks and imprisonment be damned.

"You avoided mine too Shepard… but, there is no Mrs. Vega. I don't think there would ever be one for that matter." James spoke casually as he prepared chilaquiles. Shepard wasn't exactly sure what that was but it smelled good. She refocused on the conversation and continued their banter.

"Oh? Bachelor forever or will there be a Mr. Vega?" James nearly dropped the queso he was holding and Shepard chuckled.

"Dios, I didn't mean it like that. I like the ladies if that is what you're getting at. I just… Do you know the history why women take their husband's last name?" He suddenly looked very serious as he made eye contact with Shepard.

"Vaguely, it has to do with ownership." Shepard tried to remember the history of marriage but it wasn't exactly a topic she was interested in.

"Yeah, and that is some bullshit." James couldn't stop himself. He thought of his mother and all the crap she had taken over the years for not taking the last name Sanders. He thought of all the times his family would tell him to change his last name to his dad's.

 _Fuck tradition for tradition sake._

"Why Lieutenant Vega, I do believe, you are a feminist." Shepard stared at James trying to get a read on his emotions. He was riled up and she wanted to know more about why.

"Damn straight, Lo—Shepard." James was dumbfounded by his own slip.

 _Why was I going to call her Lola?_

"Sorry, I didn't catch that?"

 _Shit. She caught it._

"Nothing, something stuck in my throat." James did his best to recover but it didn't sound convincing. Shepard thought about whether to press the issue but decided to let it slide. She wanted to ask more about why the Mrs. Vega thing bothered him so much.

"Right…"

James' omni-tool pinged before Shepard had time to ask him anymore questions. He looked down to read the name and swallowed hard.

 _Treeya._

James had been doing his best to avoid contact with the Asari. She had written to him a number of times and he had ignored every message. Some had been brief messages about where she was or what she had been doing. Others were about how she missed him and wanted to see him. Those were the messages that tore at James. A year ago and he would have given anything to spend time alone with Treeya. Now? After everything that happened on Fehl, he couldn't bring himself to look at her without imagining all the people he let die to save her.

 _That isn't her fault._

James knew he would have to face the situation sooner or later. He was, reluctantly, a fan of sooner.

"I have to take this, be back in a few. Help yourself, the food is ready." James walked away without as much as making eye contact with Shepard.

He waited until he was seated on the edge of his bed before he answered the call. As Treeya filled the screen and James felt the familiar pang of guilt fill his chest. An entire colony died so that she could live. Was that fair? Was it worth it? Did he make an impartial choice?

Treeya waited for a moment before she spoke.

"James, it's good to see you." Her soft voice clawed at him. Her eyes were full of emotion and James had to look away. "I would like to visit you, if that would be alright."

"No. Please, don't." His voice barely rose above a whisper but she heard him. Treeya's face was full of pain the instant he finished speaking.

"James, I…" James couldn't handle this anymore so he cut her off.

"Treeya, I can't. I know you want to see me. I know you want to talk. But, I can't. I look at you and I see Fehl. I see April. I see my team. I can't relive that. I don't think we should speak anymore. I wish you the best but it's too hard for me to see you." Tears were streaming down his face as he spoke the last few words. He didn't want to hurt the woman on the other end of the call but if he tried to build a relationship with her, it would be a lie. He would be burying his emotions to play pretend. It wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"I…" Treeya looked as if she was going to put up a fight for a heartbeat but then the fight left her. She deflated as she continued. "I understand. I wish you the best. And, for what it's worth, I think you are a good man."

The screen cut out before James could look back up but he heard the tears in her voice. She was heartbroken. He sat in silence for what must have been a few minutes before he heard a knock on his door.

"It's open." He had enough sense to wipe his face before Shepard entered the room.

James met Shepard's eyes and noted the questioning look in her features. She knew something was up and he prayed that she wouldn't press him. Deep down, James blamed Shepard for what happened on Fehl almost as much as he blamed himself. He wasn't ready to address those feelings yet. Shepard waited another second before she spoke.

"Your food is cold my friend. It was delicious while it was hot but I don't think it will be as good now. I figured I would try to get you before it's no longer edible."

"Thanks, I'll be right out." He hoped Shepard would take the hint and leave him alone for a few minutes more… but she didn't.

"Bad call?"

"Yeah." James wanted Shepard to leave and he could feel his patience wearing thin.

"Care to share?" Shepard was not letting this go. James had this lighthearted nature about him but there was something that hardened him, this phone call had buried him inside his own mind. Shepard was determined to dig him back out. The distraction from her own situation would be welcomed.

"Not really." James was getting frustrated. He let aggravation seep into his words in the hopes that Shepard would finally turn and leave his room.

"Is this your one?" Shepard had remembered the game they tried to play on her first night in captivity. She told him about Elysium but he didn't return the favor. Last night they had shared stories but Shepard figured she was still owed a big one. Maybe this would be how she got him to talk about what was eating at him.

"She's part of it." Shepard was struck. This was about a woman. Shepard wondered briefly if this was someone James loved.

 _Not his wife, maybe a girlfriend?_

"She? Huh, how about a trade? You tell me about her, and I'll tell you about him?" Shepard was drawing at straws. She was always one to pry. She did it with her crew all the time. She helped them work through their shit so that they had a clear head for the mission. It helped that she genuinely cared about her people. This was different though. She wanted to know who this woman was to James. Shepard wanted to know who could bring the normally jovial James to such a sour state. The fact that it could be his lover made her feel… uneasy.

 _Why do I care so much who he dates?_

"Shepard, I don't think…." James was seething. He hadn't really heard what Shepard had said. He was a few seconds from pulling the guard card and ordering her out when she interrupted him.

"Really? Lieutenant James Vega doesn't want to hear about the time Commander Jane Shepard broke fraternization regs? Look, you don't have to tell me everything. You can just tell me about her. I will tell you about him. You'll know something about me that no one else does. Well, almost no one."

The words took a few seconds to sink in. Shepard had broken frat regs? James had never imagined the commander in a relationship before and a spark of jealousy ignited deep in his soul.

 _Lucky bastard._

James couldn't understand why he would be jealous. Shepard was gorgeous, smart, funny, and a fellow marine. James had his own rules about fraternization and would not soon change them. His life was complicated enough; he didn't need to muddy his orders or his missions. Treeya taught him that lesson, loud and clear.

 _If I didn't want to be with Treeya when I was on Fehl, would I feel so guilty now?_

James was torn. He could feel it; the barrier building up around him. He wanted to keep Shepard out but at the same time, he wanted to let someone in. How long had it been since he had a true friend? He relented when he realized that Shepard was too stubborn for him to contend with.

"Okay."

"Okay… you first. I'm not repeating the Elysium story, where you get all my secrets and I get none of yours." Shepard settled herself on the floor and pulled her legs up to her chest. She was hugging her calves as she settled her chin on top of her knees.

James looked at her with a slight bewilderment. She looked so innocent and trusting, almost like a child. It was not a look he associated with someone in the military, let alone Commander Shepard. He paused for a few moments as he tried to collect his thoughts.

"She's… It's… I don't know." He let out a huff of exasperation. He was normally pretty good with his words. But, when he was emotional—angry, sad, or what have you—he was entirely at a loss for what to say. Right now he too many emotions to try and parse out. He stuck his head in his hands.

Shepard watched as James faltered. She knew why this would be hard for him. People were complicated alone, try and build a relationship and things could get downright messy. Add in military life… well, sometimes it felt like love and the Alliance could not co-exist. She figured asking him questions would help.

"What's her name?"

"Treeya." James said the name with a sort of remorse usually reserved for the dead.

"That's pretty, where is she from?" Shepard was trying her best to keep the conversation light, but James' mood had soured even further. Shepard felt like she was fighting an uphill battle.

"Thessia." James provided another curt answer.

"She's an Asari, then?" Shepard wasn't surprised by this; a lot of marines end up with Asari partners. It's a lot easier to meet an Asari in space than a human who isn't also a marine.

"Yeah." James couldn't even bring himself to look up at Shepard. He didn't know how to talk to Treeya anymore let alone talk about her.

"Okay James… James!" She lifted her head from her knees and swayed side to side trying to gather his attention. She had to shout before he would look up. "I could sit here and ask you questions all day but it's like pulling teeth. I'm not going to judge you or report what you say. Trust me. Tell me about _her._ " Shepard emphasized the last word in the hopes that something would click for James and he would start talking of his own free will.

 _Trust her? No one deserves it more so why am I so stuck._

James took a deep breath and tried to continue.

"She was a researcher on Fehl Prime; where I was stationed before this. She was beautiful and smart. Treeya… well she was stuck in her own head more often than not. She wouldn't even give me the time of day at first." James allowed himself to chuckle. It wasn't quite full bodied or full of joy but it was a step in the right direction as far as Shepard was concerned. James tried to think of what to say next; he wasn't ready to talk about the Collectors.

"I pined over her the entire time I was on Fehl. She thought I was a dog. Then… well, something bad happened and I had to choose whether to save her or a lot of other civilians." James looked down, unable to continue.

"You chose her." Shepard said the words softly in the hopes that James would hear the comforting tone; not an accusation.

"Yeah, she had intel we needed. I… couldn't live with the choice I made. After that she wanted to be with me. I knew none of it was real. I couldn't look at her without seeing all those I sacrificed to save her. She just called me again. I told her that I can't look at her, I broke her heart. I'm not good at this shit." James rubbed his face as if trying to wipe away the regret. Shepard was impressed with how deeply James could feel for another person. It hurt him to turn Treeya away and Shepard could see it plain as day.

"Neither am I. The guy I told you about? He was a lieutenant on the first Normandy. We weren't even together yet really and I was forced to save him or another member of my crew. I saved him. I sat in the cargo hold for hours after that mission agonizing over why I made the choice I did. Was it tactically the smart move? Did I do it because I had feelings for him? Did I do the right thing?" She paused, allowing the words to fill the room. "I… couldn't look at him for a few days. Garrus, the Turian on the ship, was actually the one that told me to stop sulking. He found me sitting by the Mako and asked me if Ashley would want me to stop being happy. She had given her life willingly and deserved more from me."

Shepard found James' eyes and tried to get a read on what he was thinking. Chocolate met emerald and they sat in silence for a moment. James' gaze was intense and Shepard wasn't certain this conversation was helping anyone. James spoke again first.

"Are you still with him?" The question stung more than it should. Hurt flashed across Shepard's face. James saw it just before she regained her composure. He wasn't sure why he had asked but he had a burning desire to know. Shepard's expression told him the answer before she responded.

"We are not. We were until… I died. We've seen each other once since I came back but… he wants nothing to do with me." Saying the words still hurt. She had been gone for so long that Kaidan couldn't trust her anymore. She tried hard to move on but a piece of her would always live in those months she had with Kaidan, after they defeated Saren. But, Horizon made it impossible for her to trust him again.

James was taken aback by the admission. Not only had Shepard broken regs, but it sounded serious. She continued before he could ask any questions.

"See, I'm no good at this either. Can't even get the guy I nearly married to talk to me… I don't think I could talk to him anymore either." She was on the verge of tears but managed to keep it together. No one knew that she was engaged to Kaidan when she died. They hadn't been able to keep their entire relationship a secret but, their engagement was something that was so new and fresh that no one had time to find out before the Collector attack. James could see her pain and tried to lighten the mood. He had enough of dwelling on things they couldn't change.

"So the great Commander Shepard broke fraternization regs… Aren't you supposed to be the perfect Alliance soldier?"

"Yeah well, I learned my lesson; never again." The words were like a slap to the face as James heard them. He followed the frat regs like a holy text because he couldn't imagine jeopardizing his status with the Alliance. But hearing her say never again left him with a sense of loss. Off handedly he replied.

"Never say Never." He tried to play it off as a joke but the tone wasn't quite right so he came off as serious. He waited for Shepard to call him out but she didn't.

"Yeah well… I'm in prison now. Adding regs charges to the end of my rap sheet won't change much." Shepard was also trying to play off the moment with humor but melancholy filled her words. For the first time since coming back to Earth, she feared she wouldn't get to leave. "Anyway, thanks for the story. You have a gross cold breakfast to eat and I'm going to actually get dressed." She pointed down to her oversized shirt and pajama bottoms.

Shepard turned to leave as James teased her.

"You don't have to change for me. Remember, I've already seen you in your underwear."

She blushed but was turned away from James so she hoped he could not see it. She couldn't figure out why he would have that effect on her.

"Okay Lieutenant… go eat your food."

And with those words she walked away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Broken Things**

It had been just over a month since Shepard had met with the Defense Committee. She had managed to fall into an easy friendship with James in that time. They spent their days training in the onsite gym, playing cards, and reminiscing about past missions. The Collectors were the only exception to their sharing; Fehl was still too raw for James. Shepard, for her part, could not bring herself to talk about nearly losing her crew. She wasn't sure if it was because she knew she barely made it in time to save her people or if it was because there were so many more she wasn't in time to save.

Anderson had been right when he said they were two of a kind. They both had issues to work through and both were too proud to admit their failures.

"Hey James, what you got there?" Shepard had wandered out of her room to find James prying open a large crate.

"Security upgrades… took the brass long enough." James picked up a sensor and studied it. Shepard reached around him and found a barrier generator that she assumed was for one of the windows.

"Can I help set everything up or am I not allowed to deal with security?" Shepard wasn't exactly sure that the rules were beyond 'don't leave unescorted' and 'don't contact anyone' so she was genuinely curious.

"Sure thing. I say we start with the windows, they'll be the easiest." James picked up all the barrier generators and walked over to the largest window in the living room. He began to fiddle with the tech and Shepard quickly realized that it was not his strong suit. She wordlessly took the device from his hands and set it up along the frame of the window.

James watched silently as if studying for an exam. He was confused as to how she was so capable with tech when she had no formal training to use any of it.

"You're a vanguard right?" The question caught Shepard off-guard for a moment. It seemed so out of place in the moment that she had to think about what he meant. Shepard imagined that her face looked like a bewildered child; wide eyed and slack jawed. She shook her head trying to regain her focus as she realized what he meant.

"Yeah, why?" Shepard finished hooking up the barrier and looked up at James only after she felt the telltale hum of the mass effect field.

"I'm trying to figure out when you learned all the tech stuff. I mean vanguards are all biotics and guns, when did you have time to learn tech?" He leaned against the wall as Shepard rose to her feet. He handed her another generator and she moved to the window behind the dining table. James turned so that he could watch her.

"My mom is an infiltrator. I mean before biotics, you really only had infiltrators and combat soldiers in the Alliance. She's still one of the best, even forty years into her career she still keeps up with all the advanced tech. Sometimes I think she's part Quarian. Anyway, when I was little I used to sit in the cargo bay of whatever ship she was on and she would show me how to calibrate a shield generator or program a battle drone. I think everyone thought I would be a sentinel when I joined the Alliance. I thought so too for a while…" Shepard let her words trail off as she finished inputting the commands for the barrier. She stood and stretched her back before reaching out her hand for the next generator. James had a pensive look in his face and paused briefly before handing the small device over, absentmindedly passing it between both of his large hands.

"Why did you choose to be a vanguard then?"

A pained expression briefly flashed across Shepard's face and James wondered if he had struck a nerve. Shepard quickly recovered and a neutral expression replaced what James had briefly seen.

"My dad was all about combat. I wanted to be like him. I hoped… Well, I hoped that it would make us closer. It didn't work out that way." She hadn't thought about her father's reaction to her military career in a long time. He had always been distant. When he found out she had joined the Alliance and was pushing to be on the front lines, he expressed a deep and profound disappointment. They rarely spoke after that, she didn't even know where he was stationed until he passed away. It was one of the few things she regretted in life. She was glad to be a vanguard, and her knowledge of tech made her a better soldier. Still, she always wished she could have worked things out with her father.

"Sorry." James didn't know what he was sorry for exactly. Was he sorry for what had happened between Shepard and her father? Was he sorry that he had brought up old wounds? He wasn't sure but he knew that he was sorry that it pained her.

 _So much crap has been piled on her, how can she still stand?_

Shepard moved into her room and began setting up the last generator. James walked back into the living room and started unpacking all the vent alarms. He laid them out meticulously and made sure that they had enough for every grate in the apartment. Just when he was sure that everything was in order, Shepard walked up behind him. She still seemed sad.

"Where shall we start?" James was still kneeling over the parts and Shepard patted his shoulder as she spoke. Her touch was warm.

"I think we can start in the bedrooms and work our way out. Although, I think you will be doing most of the work Commander."

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore James."

"I know." This back and forth had become a joke between the two of them. While initially it had been unnerving to hear someone call her Commander, Shepard had learned that when James did it, it was a sign of hope. Hope that one day she would have that title again.

"Your room or mine Lieutenant?" Shepard winked at him and he chuckled.

"We can start in mine." He led the way while holding a number of the alarms in his hands. Shepard followed carrying the rest.

James and Shepard had gotten into the habit of flirting shamelessly regardless of who was watching. Most people in the Alliance recognized that they weren't serious but since the Defense Committee meeting, a lot of people thought there was more to their relationship. Shepard had been right when she said they tabloids would make them out to be lovers after he chased her through HQ.

Shepard had turned the whole situation into a game. She would often ask if they were still together and James would pull up Westerlund News or some other site and tell her what they were saying. Some weeks they were secretly getting married. Other weeks they were on the rocks. Once, James even told Shepard she was pregnant. She had sarcastically asked how far along she was. It was a silly way to pass the time but it was something to occupy her mind. She mentally thanked the universe for putting her together with someone who would play along.

There were two vents in James room. One was near the ceiling but was above the bed so Shepard could reach it by standing on the mattress. She started working on setting up the alarm. It was simple work. The alarms didn't block anyone from coming through the vent but an alarm would sound if the vent was opened without entering the proper code. James had set up the codes before-hand so all Shepard had to do was align the sensors and activate the alarm.

"The great Commander Shepard is in my bed? This is every grunt's fantasy…" James teased as they worked. Shepard smiled and shook her head while she finished hooking up the alarm.

Soon they had alarmed all the vents in the apartment with the exception of the large vent in the living room. It was up too high for either of them to easily reach. Shepard grabbed a chair and started to work on it.

It was still too high to comfortably reach so Shepard found herself standing on her tip toes and stretching to set up the alarm. She strained as she finished installing the sensors. Just as she secured the last corner the chair tilted and shifted out from under her.

She tried to catch herself with her biotics but she was out of practice and slow. While the Alliance hadn't put a dampener on her they had taken off her amp. With only her implant she could still bring up mass effect fields but they were weak and it took her far too long. She caught herself with her right hand instead and heard the telltale crunch of breaking bones. She cursed loudly as she rolled to lie on her back, cradling her right hand in her left. James was halfway to her before she even opened her eyes.

"Shit, Dios mio! Shepard, are you…" James stopped when he saw her hand; two of her fingers were bent in the wrong direction. "Fuck, Shepard… You broke a couple fingers."

"No shit…" Shepard responded through clenched teeth. James leaned down and scooped her up like an infant and carried her to the couch. It was a tender gesture and he tried his best not to jostle her too much.

"Anything else broken?" He tried to be comforting as he walked her over to the couch.

"No, just fell on my hand. My pride is a little shattered though, tried to use biotics to break my fall. Usually works." She was still gritting her teeth slightly.

The pain had subsided greatly in the following moments and Shepard allowed herself relax into James' arms. Just as she had become accustomed to the comfort he shifted her onto the couch and walked toward the kitchen, leaving her feeling like something was missing. Shepard knew he would be looking for the first aid kit. Broken fingers were an easy fix with medigel, and every marine knew not to bother a medic for something you could slap medigel on.

Shepard really looked at her hand for the first time now that she wasn't in as much pain. Her middle and ring finger were bent at odd angles. She thanked whatever deity was out there that it wasn't worse; at least her bones had stayed under her skin.

James returned and gently reached for Shepard's mangled hand. She willingly turned it over to him. She had always hated hospitals, clinics, and infirmaries. The medbay on the Normandy was the only exception to this rule. She would do anything to keep from going to the medical wing of Alliance HQ.

"Pobrecita." The words were soft and filled Shepard's ears like velvet. He turned her fingers over in his hands and began to spread medigel across each fractured digit. "Todo será bien."

Shepard's breath caught. She couldn't tell if it was because of his touch or what he was saying but it was reassuring.

James continued to coo at Shepard as he set her bones back into their proper position. It was painful but she tried to focus on James. More and more she noticed that he was a walking contradiction. He appeared to be a lumbering brute but then he would say something so soft and gentle. He was the physical embodiment of strength but emotionally he was as sensitive as an innocent child. Shepard wondered if James realized what he was saying as he worked.

James finished splinting Shepard's hands just as Harrison walked in. In the last month he had become more comfortable with James and Shepard than any of the other guards. He would tease them about their relationship, often citing the latest tabloid gossip. It was nice to have the additional company.

 _He's going to have a field day with this._

The thought crossed Shepard's mind with the slightest amusement before returning her attention to James. Something was bothering him and he hadn't seemed to notice the other man in the room.

James couldn't understand why he didn't spot Shepard when she was standing on the chair. If he had been closer she never would have fallen. He was so lost in his thoughts and splinting Shepard's fingers that he didn't notice Harrison until he sat across from them on one of the chairs.

"Hey boss, you getting payback for the first night?" There was a relaxed demeanor to Harrison so James knew that it wasn't an accusation.

"No, I still have plans for that. Shepard has been on vacation for so long she can't remember how to stand up anymore." James retorted, smirking as Shepard the whole time he spoke. "I think I need to talk to Anderson about getting her amp back."

"I would appreciate it; feel kind of like an amputee without the full use of my biotics. Also, if I'm on vacation, where's my fruity drink with the little umbrella?" The question hung in the air; both men struggling to find the most humorous answer. The moment passed.

"Anyway LT, I came to start my shift. Do I need to get the doc in here?" Harrison looked all business as he asked the question. Shepard respected his work ethic; he never forgot his duty even in the frivolous moments.

"Not today, Shepard just has a couple broken fingers. They should be mostly healed up by morning. I'll file the report tonight." James inputted a reminder in his Omni-tool as he said the words.

"I love being talked about like I'm not in the room… When did it get so late?" Shepard realized that the sun had set some time ago and wondered how long she and James had been working on upgrading the security. She also noted how hungry she was; her stomach grumbled loudly as if to prove her point.

"Probably around the time you fell off the chair. I'll work on dinner; you just sit and… heal." He got up off the couch and felt a chill where Shepard's side had been touching him. He worked hard to suppress a shudder.

He made his way to the kitchen as Harrison began asking Shepard what had happened. She started to explain her fall as James found some steaks in the fridge.

"Hey Harrison, am I making dinner for your sorry ass too?" James looked at the pair engaged in conversation. Harrison leaned toward Shepard and James felt a pang of jealousy shoot through his chest. He pushed it aside. He had no claim to Shepard and his feelings were illogical at best.

"I could eat." Harrison yelled back over his shoulder.

James set to work making steak for three. As much as he missed the front lines, he appreciated the simple pleasures he got to enjoy earth side. Cooking had always been cathartic for him and he loved cooking for other people. He had cooked for Shepard nearly every night since they had been here. She had offered to return the favor but James couldn't turn over the reins to the kitchen.

Shepard had responded by waking up early on several occasions and cooking breakfast for the both of them. She was a pretty good cook herself. She also baked which is where her culinary talent really shined. There were still some rolls she had made the night before on the counter and James preheated the oven to warm them up. They would go well with the dinner he was making.

Shepard moved away from the couch and started to set the table. She was careful with her right hand but managed just fine. She always set the table while James cooked. They flowed around each other in the kitchen like two currents of water that never quite met. It was graceful.

James finished cooking and brought the food to the table just as Harrison lowered himself into a seat.

"You know, all this tabloid business aside, you two act like a married couple." Harrison said as he reached for one of the rolls. "Very domestic."

Shepard rolled her eyes and James chuckled.

The three ate and joked about the day's events. Shepard would forever be known as clumsy in the eyes of the two men seated with her. She enjoyed the reverie they shared even when it was at her expense. The meal reminded Shepard that there was life outside of the Alliance. Friends were having dinner all over the galaxy. It was what she fought so hard to protect and she rarely was afforded the opportunity to enjoy the experience herself. She savored every minute.

When they were done with the meal, James and Harrison spoke briefly about the night shift and Harrison made his way to the hall. The guards usually started their post in the hallway and stayed there until around 0100; then they would spend the rest of the evening sitting in the living room after James and Shepard went to sleep. It helped to prevent crowding, the apartment was a decent size but it started to feel claustrophobic easily if more than two people were up and walking around.

Harrison walked out of the front door and Shepard started to clean up the dishes.

"I got it tonight Shepard." James walked up beside Shepard at the sink and pulled the plates out of her hands. She protested briefly but realized that it was a losing battle. She moved to the living room and sank heavily into the couch.

James made quick work of the dishes. He was still kicking himself over the day's events.

 _I am supposed to protect Shepard. Why can't I get my shit together?_

He made his way to the living room and sat in the chair across from the couch. Shepard had spread out and almost looked like she was taking a nap. James took the quiet moment to write his report to Anderson and turned off the reminder. He explained in his brief report that Shepard had broken two fingers because her instincts are to use her biotics to save herself. He formally requested her amp be returned to her for her own protection.

As he shut down his omni-tool Shepard began to sit up. She looked at him wearily for a moment.

"I could really use a drink." She rubbed the weariness from her eyes and looked up to see James staring at her deep in thought.

"I'm off duty; I think I can make that happen." He moved swiftly to the kitchen again and began rummaging through the freezer. He returned with a bottle and two glasses which he set on the coffee table. He sat next to Shepard and he began to pour them each a drink.

"If I tell you I could really use an escape, would you be able to make that happen too?" The tone in Shepard's voice was teasing and light but James noticed the flash of sorrow behind her brilliant green eyes.

"I would probably just come back with another drink." James nudged her slightly with his elbow.

"I see you are a tequila man." She looked at the glass he offered her a moment before she took it.

"Yeah, I was saving it for the day they let you out of here but I can always get another bottle." James' tone was strangely serious and Shepard was taken aback.

 _He wants to celebrate when I'm released._ _ **If**_ _I'm released._

Shepard downed the first shot and began to pour herself another.

"Damn chica, the bottle ain't going anywhere." James wondered briefly if it was a mistake to drink with a prisoner. He had such a hard time viewing Shepard as anything other than a hero that he sometimes forgot the rules himself. She seemed intent to drink herself stupid too which worried James briefly.

"I know. I'm a biotic so I have to drink a little more and a little faster than you." She used her glass to point at him as she said the last few words. She poured herself another drink. James merely nodded in understanding; he sometimes forgot that biotics had faster metabolisms.

They didn't talk for a while. It was comfortable. They both sat lost in their own thoughts but appreciative that someone else was with them.

James was starting to feel the effects of the tequila. He wanted to talk to Shepard. He felt like he had gotten to know her pretty well over the last few weeks but there were things that she still hid. He hated that and wanted to pry it out of her.

"So earlier today you said something about your dad and it looked like you had been punched in the gut." James paused to look at Shepard. She stared back with watery eyes.

 _Damnit._

"Look Shepard, I didn't mean to hurt you…" Shepard cut him off before he could continue.

"No, you're right. I still let him get under my skin. He's been dead for three years and he still manages to bother me."

"I'm sorry for bringing it up."

Shepard leaned into James side and he put his arm around her. The alcohol was swimming through his head but James couldn't bring himself to put up the professional front. They were friends as far as James was concerned and she was sad. He would be there for her and she had initiated the contact.

"I just don't get how you get married, choose to have a kid, and then abandon your family." James wasn't sure if she was talking to him or trying to work this out for herself so he stayed quite. He squeezed her shoulder gently as reassurance.

Shepard laid her head on James shoulder and he returned the gesture by laying his head on top of hers.

 _Remember you're her guard cabrón._

"We didn't talk for the last decade of his life… I tried to write to him a couple of times but never got anything back."

"Pendejo… sorry. I just… I don't get it either. If you have a kid, be a parent." James could see his father in Shepard's words and the hurt of his childhood came through his response.

"Have you talked to your dad since enlisting?" Shepard was honestly interested, she knew that they were estranged but she wondered just how much.

"No, my uncle used to give me updates but my dad was in jail for a while. Don't really need too many updates on someone in prison."

"I guess that's why the Alliance won't let me call my mom. She doesn't really need updates on me in prison." James felt like he had been slapped by her words, had he made it sound like he was talking about her?

"Hey, I didn't mean you." James hated how he always managed to say exactly the wrong thing. Shepard looked up at him and shook her head as she spoke.

"I know. I just miss her. She always made me feel better after my dad would get under my skin." Shepard's words were nostalgic and James suddenly wished for the kind of tact Hannah Shepard possessed.

"Maybe I can talk to Anderson." It was the only thing he could think to say, he was drawing at straws.

"You don't have to do that James." She was still leaning into him and James never wanted her to leave. Her warmth was comforting.

"I know. I just want to do something nice for you. You deserve it." He meant the words as he said them. Shepard deserved the world, if it was in his power to do something nice for her he would try his hardest to make it happen.

Shepard was taken aback. No one had ever said anything like that to her before. There was tightness in her chest she couldn't quite understand.

"Thanks." Shepard couldn't bring herself to say much more.

They sat in silence for a while longer just leaning on each other. Shepard started to doze and sleepily spoke into James' neck.

"You really are a good guy James… I don't know what I would do without you." With those words, Shepard fell into a deep sleep.

"You'll never have to find out Lola." He said the words out loud even though he knew she wouldn't hear them.

 _Why did I call her Lola?_

James realized he was going to have to be careful when he spoke to Shepard. This was the second time he started to call her Lola. He still wasn't sure why he said it.

James shifted and carried Shepard to her bed and tried his best to make her comfortable, he made sure to leave water on her nightstand before he left. A normal person would wake up feeling terrible after drinking that much. Even though she was a biotic, James was pretty sure Shepard would still need the water.

He then returned to the living room and cleaned up the glasses before heading to bed himself.

As his head hit the pillow he heard the telltale ping of his omni-tool. The last thing he remembered was reading the message from Anderson saying that Shepard would get her amp back in the morning. He was glad as he drifted into a dreamless sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Revenge**

The Defense Committee had delayed the investigation twice after they set their initial timeline. It was now four months into Shepard's imprisonment and the official proceedings had only just begun. Both Shepard and James were relieved to finally get on with the process.

The days had become so monotonous that the changes were welcome… at first. Things became a challenge as Shepard was forced into interrogations for long hours at a time. She had meetings with prosecutors, her attorneys, psychiatrists, psychologists, physicians, and all manner of Alliance officials. James watched as everyone tried to make her out to be crazy or less than human. They often asked the same questions day after day as if trying to catch Shepard in a lie. She was always composed; James could not say that he would be the same in her position.

 _She just saved your asses twice… pinche cabrónes._

James worked hard to keep his attitude in check during the day but he was always relieved when they finally were allowed to go back to their apartment. In the last two weeks it had become a refuge from the investigators.

Today had been particularly brutal on Shepard and James could see clearly how much this trial was going to wear on her.

They woke bright and early for a physical examination. The doctors had never seen so much tech in one person before and were speculating at what point Shepard would have to be classified as a cyborg. Shepard made no argument or reply but James watched intently as her mouth began to twitch.

 _She is as human as they come._

Once they were done with the physical James and Shepard were escorted to yet another psych evaluation. The psychiatrist began to question James; usually everyone ignored James and focused on Shepard. He didn't respond at first because he was so confused but Shepard nudged his leg with her foot and he realized what was happening.

He answered the questions honestly and briefly and then the shrink had the nerve to ask if James and Shepard's relationship had gone beyond professional. James' blood boiled. He watched Shepard reach for his hand but her arm retreated as quickly as it had reached out. James maintained his composure but just barely.

"I take my responsibilities seriously as well as the Alliance rules and regulations. While Shepard and I are friends, I would never do anything to jeopardize my post or this investigation." The psychiatrist raised an eyebrow at James' response but said nothing in return. The psychiatrist took some notes and then allowed James and Shepard to leave.

"I have never been so excited to return to a prison cell in my life." Shepard said as she nudged James' shoulder.

"I can't stand these assholes. They make you out to be some kind of devil. No respect." James was fuming and Shepard wasn't sure what to say to console him. He almost didn't seem to notice she was joking around.

"Yeah, well… They would rather I be crazy than right about what's coming. I can't really blame them, I still hope I'm wrong and I've met a couple Reapers." Shepard shrugged as she spoke, it was a defeated gesture.

"The difference is you are still trying to prepare for the inevitable." James stared at Shepard with such intensity that she shifted uncomfortably.

"True. Good thing my _boyfriend_ still believes in me." Shepard chuckled nervously as she spoke trying to defuse the tension.

"Ay Dios mio… When did tabloids become evidence?" James pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

"Around the same time I became a terrorist." They turned a corner toward the apartment and ran into Anderson before James could really process what Shepard said.

"How did it go Shepard?" James noticed how tired Anderson appeared and it made the younger marine uncomfortable. Shepard and James saw less and less of Anderson as the investigation progressed and Shepard wondered if he was wearing himself too thin.

"As expected… They think I'm a robot and that I've swept James off his feet." Shepard was deadpan as the words left her mouth. It took a moment for Anderson to register what had been said.

"They think what? I'm going to speak with Hackett… Together maybe we can knock some sense into the Defense Committee. I'm sorry Shepard, you deserve better than all this." Anderson looked sad for a moment. "I have to get going. I won't be earth side for a while…" There was a pregnant pause before Anderson stepped forward with his arms outstretched. Without question, Shepard walked into his embrace.

James tried to find something else to look at, this seemed like a private moment that he wasn't meant to see. He knew full well how close Shepard and Anderson were but they were always professional in public. James wondered if he was in their inner circle now or if Anderson was worried enough to forgo formalities.

"Goodbye Anderson. See you soon." Shepard smiled and James could see the tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

"Good bye kiddo. See you soon. Take care of her James, I'm counting on you." Anderson nodded at James.

James responded with a salute as Anderson turned to leave.

"He's worried." Shepard was speaking to herself and the words were soft. James wasn't sure if she what she was trying to accomplish but he didn't want to leave her admission floating.

"I know." It wasn't enough. The words were too flat to convey everything that James meant. He knew that Anderson looked bad. He knew that there was little they could do to help. It was all too frustrating for words.

Shepard and James both walked the rest of the way to the apartment in silence. Seeing Anderson so run down had shaken them and nothing was adequate enough to ease their minds.

As they entered the apartment, James made his way to the kitchen to start on dinner. He was running on autopilot. The psychiatrist had really stunned him earlier and Anderson didn't make him feel better. He knew that there would be more days like this and he was not looking forward to the gauntlet of interrogations ahead. Usually though he could rely on the confidence of his superiors to reassure him but no one seemed to believe that Shepard would win this one.

Shepard sank into the couch which had become habit the last week or so. She was mentally exhausted from trying to keep calm and collected for hours at a time. Everything was a mess and she couldn't do anything to save herself.

 _I can't fix any of this._

For the first time since coming back to Earth, Shepard considered escaping.

 _They would blame James._

A pang of guilt ran through her stomach. James was always on her side and had been nothing but kind. She would never be cruel enough to put him in that position. She sighed and tried to relax as she imagined the long months ahead of her.

James made a simple meal with pan grilled chicken, roasted potatoes and a salad. Shepard had set the table as she always did and they both retreated into their own heads for most of the meal. The awkward silence made James skill crawl.

 _I need to say something._

"This is all so fucked up." He was shaking as he spoke, a product of the built up rage from the past few days.

"Yeah, I… don't know what to do." Shepard let the feeling wash over her. There was no objective here, no target to take out, and no battle to win. She was at the mercy of people she was supposed to trust. It was all so bazaar.

 _I can't win._

"I think we just try not to lose it." James didn't know what else to say. The reality was neither of them was in a position to sway the investigation. The Defense Committee was going to see things whichever way they wanted. Shepard was at their mercy.

"Easier said than done." Shepard moved a piece of chicken across her plate. Her mind was too pre-occupied to eat.

"I know but I'm here if you ever want to talk." James reached across the table to stop her hand from moving. She looked up and their eyes met truly for the first time during the meal. She was holding back tears again and James felt tightness in his chest. He hated seeing Shepard like this but he couldn't think of how to fix it.

"Thanks James. I just hate how everything is an uphill battle. And… thanks for making dinner but I'm just not hungry right now." Shepard picked up her plate and started cleaning up.

James sat by himself for a moment before he shot up after her. James pulled the dishes from her hands and set them on the counter.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. You have too many people in this galaxy that are on your side. The Defense Committee is drawing this out because they know they can't win." The words left his mouth in a flurry and it took Shepard a moment to truly hear them.

Instinctually James pulled Shepard into a hug. Shepard wrapped her arms around his waist and sank her head into his chest. The tears that had been held at bay all day finally fell. James whispered soothing words as he hugged her. One of his hands ran lazy circles into her upper back.

They stood like that for a long time. They did not flinch when the door opened and Harrison entered the apartment. They did not move even after he cleared his throat. Shepard felt safe for the first time in months and she was not willing to let the feeling go just because someone might see.

James was not going to let go first. He merely turned his head so that he could see Harrison's face.

"Hey boss, rough day?" There was no teasing in Harrison's voice and James was thankful that they had built such a strong rapport in such a short time.

"Yeah, I don't have any special orders today. There's some left over food if you want it but otherwise its business as usual tonight."

"I ate before heading over so I'll be in the hall if you need anything. And Shepard… I'm sorry that the brass is putting you through the ringer. Everyone I know is on your side." Harrison waited a heartbeat before he turned to leave.

Shepard never looked up from James embrace but the words hit home. Slowly she was able to gain her composure.

 _Some people are on my side._

Shepard wiped her face with her hands before looking up at James.

"Sorry James…"

"For what?" He quirked an eyebrow in much the same way a puppy does when it's confused. The expression had a calming effect on Shepard.

"For being such a mess."

"Why? We all fall apart sometimes. I meant what I said to the shrink Shepard; we're friends. I've got your back, even when you just need a shoulder to cry on." James meant every word with an intensity he didn't quite understand. He was friends with a lot of marines but he couldn't see himself consoling any of them like this. Shepard was different.

"I still shouldn't…" She looked back down as she started to speak but James cut her off almost as soon as she began.

"Bullshit, you're human. Feelings are part of the package." He squeezed her bicep as he spoke trying to convey everything his words could not.

"Okay. Thank you." Shepard still wasn't quite convinced but she appreciated the thought.

"Anytime, amiga." James smiled and Shepard found it contagious. She giggled in response.

 _What am I, a teenager? Get it together Shep._

The exhaustion from the day suddenly hit Shepard hard and she yawned.

"I don't remember the last time I was this tired."

"I have clean up handled if you want to head to bed Shepard." James nodded towards Shepard's room as he spoke.

"Thanks James, I appreciate it."

Shepard lazily made her way to her bedroom. She changed into a pair of sweats and a tank top before crawling into bed.

James busied himself with the dishes.

When he was finally done he turned to head to bed himself but found Harrison staring at him.

 _When did he come back inside?_

"Boss, I could have killed you at any point in the last two minutes. Now I see why Shepard needs the extra security… You're useless." Harrison had meant it in jest but it struck a nerve with James. He really had let his guard down. If an enemy had come in, he and Shepard could be dead. He tried to calm his nerves and respond with a lighthearted tone.

"Easy there marine… you are going to get yourself court marshalled if you keep talking to your superiors like that."

The tongue and cheek moment died almost as quickly as it began.

"Seriously though LT, is she going to be okay?" The change in Harrison's demeanor had struck home for James. The Defense Committee might not care about Shepard, but almost everyone else did. James didn't have an answer for Harrison, everyone has their breaking point. He could only hope that Shepard would not reach hers.

"I hope so" was all James could think to say. The words sounded diminished as they reached his ears; not quite full of conviction.

"Good thing she has you… Hey, can I ask you a question you're not going to like?"

 _Would any sane person say yes?_

"You're going to ask even if I say no aren't you?"

"Well, yeah unless you order me not to." There was a mischievous light behind Harrison's eyes. It was a familiar sight for James; he used to look like that when he teased his abuelita. He relented when he realized that Harrison would not let his question go.

"Alright then, shoot."

"After all this…" Harrison waived his hand in the air, gesturing vaguely to all of Alliance HQ. "Are you finally going to tell Shepard how you feel?"

James felt like he had been struck by a ton of bricks. He struggled to find air before chocking out a response.

"What?"

Harrison raised an eyebrow as he stared at James.

"Boss, you have it bad…" Harrison paused as James mouth fell open slightly in disbelief. He chuckled before he continued. "Shepard is right about the Reapers which means you might have very little time left to tell her. Figure part of my job is to remind you what's important in life. And if the way you look at her is any indication, she's what's important to you. Anyway, one of us has to actually work so…"

Before James could respond, Harrison turned to head back into the hallway. James stood where the kitchen and living area met for longer than he cared to admit.

 _What feelings?_

James admired Shepard. He cared for her as a friend. He maybe even had a crush on the Commander when he first enlisted. Now?

 _You are confused, tonto. You are her friend and you want to protect her, there can be nothing more._

James eventually made his way to his bedroom and fell into a restless sleep.

He dreamed of impossible things; a long life full of love with Shepard. There was a house on the beach and children running around his feet. There was Shepard completely relaxed as she read on the porch. An alarm was going off in the distance but no one in the current scene cared. A gunshot rang out and James woke with a start.

The alarm was blaring. It wasn't part of his dream.

 _A vent… I have to get to Shepard._

James checked his room before grabbing a sidearm. He flung the door open to the bathroom that connected his room and Shepard's to find her staring back at him. He was relieved to see that she was alright. He pulled her into a quick embrace before mentally kicking himself. Shepard spoke before he had time to dwell on the gesture.

"The alarm is coming from the living room. So much for an escape route." Shepard sighed as she spoke and James realized that she hadn't had much sleep.

"Hopefully Harrison called for backup." James prayed that the marine was okay. The alarms would attract attention so whoever the threat was, they would try to get out fast. They probably wouldn't care about collateral damage.

James led Shepard back into his room and provided her with a handgun. She checked her amp and made sure she was ready before they attempted to open the door to the living room. Neither of the two was wearing armor and Shepard tried to create a decent barrier to compensate.

James was impressed as the blue glow enveloped him. Shepard cursed herself for not practicing her biotics more since she got her amp back. The barrier would hold… for a time.

James opened the door a crack before slamming it shut again. Bullets dented the metal.

"Batarians… I counted eight." James was in full marine mode trying to think of ways to neutralize the enemy while protecting Shepard.

"Shit. I guess they don't like this trial either." Shepard was trying to find a solution but was at a loss. "We need to barricade the bathroom and this door. They are going to try to get in here. Give me your omnitool."

James did so without thinking. Shepard moved to the bathroom and sealed both doors. She was out of practice but the Batarians weren't exactly known for their hacking abilities. She heard gunshots before she could finish the last door and quickly ran back to James.

"Two down."

He had opened the door a crack and shot out. Shepard punched him hard in the arm.

"Hey, what was that for?" James rubbed the spot with his free hand.

"They could have killed you… I have the barrier remember?" She was furious and a flash of guilt crossed James' face for a moment.

"Sorry Shepard, I saw the opening." Shepard deflated when she realized there were still six Batarians on the other side of the door.

"Well, they won't fall for that again so we need a new tactic."

 _Where the hell is backup?_

"Yeah I know. Think you can hold up the barrier for a minute or so?"

"Yeah." Shepard just wasn't sure how strong it would be.

"I'm going to charge them."

"James…."

"You're going to stay right behind me and keep the barrier up. Hopefully we can get the rest of them. Shoot anyone who tries to flank us."

It had been a long time since Shepard had taken orders. For a moment she wanted to yell at James for insubordination but remembered that she was the prisoner here. She swallowed her initial feelings and mock saluted.

"Yes sir!"

"The fact that you can still find humor in this is amazing." James sounded exasperated.

"I'm a woman of many wonders." Shepard tried to deflect the stress and tension. If they died, she wanted to have fun in the process.

"Hopefully I will live long enough to see more of them." James loosened his reserve. He fell back into marine banter with ease.

 _I miss real missions._

"Why Lieutenant, are you flirting with me?" James took a moment to consider his answer. He had been dwelling on what Harrison had said. Sure, he was attracted to Shepard. In another life he may have asked her out. That wasn't an option now but it didn't mean he had to keep her at arm's length.

"What if I was?"

"I would tell you that you may want to consider your timing. Let's go get 'em LT."

James took a moment to check his gun before keying in the code to open the door. This time it shot all the way open and James charged. Shepard almost didn't register what was happening, James moved so fast.

He took out two more Batarians before anyone in the room knew what was happening.

 _Half gone._

Shepard struggled to keep her barrier up as James scrambled for cover. The couch was the best they could do and thankfully the Batarians were also struggling to find cover. Shepard easily shot one that was trying to turn the kitchen table on its side. She glanced around to make sure no one was flanking them when she saw Harrison sprawled on the floor.

 _The gunshot from earlier._

It was a clean shot just above his right eye. He had bled out onto the carpet and Shepard wondered if there had been a chance to save him. She shook her mind back to the present and found James staring at Harrison's corpse too.

"James?"

"These motherfuckers." James turned to break cover and Shepard couldn't reach him to pull him back. She leapt up after him but realized her barrier wouldn't be fast enough. She gathered all her energy and charged James out of the line of fire. She was a millisecond too late and a bullet grazed her arm.

 _At least were not dead._

She and James landed in a pile behind the kitchen island. A Batarian met them at close range and Shepard threw him with a weak shockwave.

James couldn't breathe. Shepard had put her full force into the charge. It wasn't meant to kill but it hurt like hell. He was positive she cracked a rib. He struggled for a moment trying to get oxygen back to his brain.

 _Damn she's powerful._

"You take my breath away in more ways than one Shep."

"James… try not to do anything that stupid again. I would like to live through this night." James blushed. She was right. If she hadn't acted quickly, he would be dead.

"Sorry…" James saw the blood oozing from her arm and wordless reached into the cabinet with the medigel. Shepard was scanning the room and didn't even flinch when he spread the gel across her arm.

"There are two Batarians left… where the hell are all the other soldiers?"

James had been wondering the same thing. The alarm was still blaring and they had shot off multiple rounds. Their apartment was not sound proof by any means.

 _Why hasn't anyone shown up?_

James felt an uneasiness rise in his throat. Something was wrong.

"Shepard, once these two are down, we need to evac." James tried hard to keep panic from seeping into his words. He could not lose Shepard, not after Fehl.

"Roger that Lieutenant."

Shepard knew it was true. After Elysium she had built a sixth sense for when things were about to go FUBAR. Shepard just wanted to make sure that she and James did not end up like Harrison.

Shepard's stomach growled loudly and she knew that her biotics were draining what little energy she had left. She regretted skipping dinner.

 _One last push. Only two left._

Shepard signaled for James to follow as her barrier started to surge around them both. She picked up a pot that had fallen and threw it out to the left of the island. Instantly the pot was under fire.

Shepard and James didn't wait for the Batarians to realize their mistake. Shepard charged them both, James following closely behind. Shepard put a bullet in the brain of one of the two intruders as James incapacitated the other.

Shepard looked at him with a confused expression on her face.

"I would like to know how they got in."

Shepard nodded in understanding and began to secure the perimeter. James had broken all four of the man's limbs so he had to forcefully pull him up into a chair in order to interrogate him.

"How did you get in here?" James was fuming and didn't care about smart interrogation techniques. It had taken all his strength not to kill him in the first place.

The Batarian gurgled and was struggling to breathe. James looked him over and realized that he had been shot in the chest. He momentarily wondered if he or Shepard had clipped him. James wordlessly put the Batarian out of his misery.

Shepard walked up with a questioning look on her face.

"Punctured lung… among other things. He was not going to talk." James searched the Batarians pockets as he spoke. When he found nothing, he stood to meet Shepard. "We need an escape plan."

The apartment door opened behind Shepard and James only had seconds to see the gun. He flung Shepard behind him just as the first shot rang out.

Shepard tried to pull up a barrier but all her strength was gone. She counted four shots and James fell back into her. She tried to keep upright but James was too heavy and together they sank to the floor in a heap.

Shepard could hear the footsteps approaching but she struggled to move. She still had the handgun in her grasp and hoped that whoever shot James would be stupid enough to move into her line of sight.

Shepard didn't wait; as soon as she saw shoes enter her field of view, she shot without hesitation.

A human man in an Alliance uniform fell to the floor.

 _I guess that's how they got in._

Shepard didn't hear any other sounds and didn't want to waste any more time listening for a threat. She could feel James breathing, it was shallow but it meant he was still alive.

 _He saved me._

"James, don't you dare die… that is an order!" Shepard tried to put conviction in her voice but James' weight made it hard to breathe. James merely moaned in response.

 _That's something._

Shepard took as deep a breath as she could manage before trying to wiggle out from under James. She knew that every second counted so she tried to move as quickly as possible without jostling him too much.

It took a few minutes but Shepard managed to move out from under him. She shot up and ran for the medigel as soon as she was free. She was panicking… Shepard didn't usually panic.

 _Calm down._

She took a few steadying breaths before she ripped away James' shirt. There were three bullet holes. Shepard was confused as she tried to find the fourth wound. She covered every entry point with a generous coat of medigel before moving onto the next. Shepard still could not find the fourth wound and she began to hyperventilate.

 _Look up._

Shepard looked around the room and found the fourth hole in a wall behind where she had been standing. If James hadn't moved her, she would have a bullet in her head.

 _Please don't die._

Shepard had watched plenty of people get shot. She never reacted like this, not even when it was Garrus. She was worried, yes. Panicked, never. Why was James different?

The medigel had stopped the bleeding but Shepard wasn't sure what to do next. She didn't trust anyone in the Alliance anymore now that Anderson was off-world. She couldn't call him either without an omni-tool.

 _Omni-tool._

Shepard looked down to find James' omin-tool secured to her wrist. She opened the omni-tool and immediately called Anderson.

A groggy face greated her.

"James, what's… Shepard?! What are you doing?" There was a fury in his voice that Shepard hadn't seen since she was a child on his ship.

"Batarians got in sir. James has been shot. Harrison's dead. An Alliance Marine came in with them. I don't know who else to trust. I need a medic… now." Shepard didn't realize she was crying until the words started leaving her mouth in between sobs. Anderson's expression changed from anger to concern.

"Hey kiddo… It will be alright. I haven't left yet. I'm sending a med team and I'll be there in ten. Do you need me to stay on the call with you until they get there?"

"No, I'll… I'll be okay, just hurry."

There was a deafening silence as the call ended and Shepard instinctually reached for James' hand. She sat cross-legged on floor next to him and started counting his heartbeats. The action kept her grounded in the moment.

 _Right now, he's alive._

The medic's rushed into the room in a flurry of activity. Shepard was unceremoniously pushed aside as they began running scans. He was up on a stretcher in moments and they were heading out the door. Shepard did not hesitate and began to follow.

No one stopped her, she imagined that she looked harried and no one wanted to address her current state.

It was only when they reached the medical wing that someone tried to bar her from James. She turned on them with a ferocity she didn't quite understand.

"We have been instructed to stay by each other's side no matter what. Do you want Anderson, Hackett, or the Defense Committee coming after you because you left me without my guard? Especially after what just happened? Until I'm assigned new guards I have to stay with him!" The medic flinched as Shepard raised her voice.

"She's right, under my authority; she stays with the Lieutenant until we find an interim guard." The warm and familiar voice filled the air and Shepard felt some of the pent up tension leave her body.

"Admiral Anderson, sir! Understood, follow me Ms. Shepard." Shepard turned and mouthed a thank you to the Admiral before following the doctor to James' room. "You will have to stay outside right now but you can stay at the window. They need to operate, it shouldn't take long. When they are done you can go in. You probably saved his life." The words muffled in Shepard's ears. She couldn't take her eyes of James.

 _He looks small._

James had never looked small. He still didn't, not really. He would always be physically large but there was something diminished about him now that he was injured.

Shepard was so focused on James that she didn't notice the doctor leave. She also didn't notice Anderson walk up until his arm encircled her shoulder. She cried freely now, not bothering to hide behind the Commander façade.

"Hey, shhh. He's going to live. You did good child. You did good." Anderson squeezed Shepard gently.

She calmed enough to stop crying after a few minutes and Anderson gestured to a nearby seat.

"Kiddo, I have never seen you so torn up by anything…" Anderson paused as if contemplating what to say next but let his words hang in the air for minutes. Shepard finally spoke to fill the growing silence.

"I think I'm breaking…" It was a guilty admission and Shepard could not hide that she was ashamed of herself.

"I think you have grown fond of the Lieutenant…" Anderson countered and Shepard motioned as if to protest but Anderson raised his hand to stop her. "I don't necessarily mean romantically Shepard. You have found a person you connect with and you have been spending all your time together. He has been your only support in this whole mess. It makes sense that this is hitting you hard. Try to remember, he will live."

As if on cue a doctor came out of James' room and began to address Anderson. The operation went well and James would be fine. He would be on bed rest for a while and would have to be taken off active duty for six to eight weeks as he does physical therapy. Anderson nodded as the doctor spoke. When James' progress report was complete Anderson started to give orders.

"Shepard is to stay with James until I have confirmation that their apartment is safe. I will be posting guards outside Lieutenant Vega's room as well as outside the hospital wing."

Shepard did not wait to for instructions. She slowly entered James' room and pulled a seat next to the bed. As she sat down, Anderson came in and stood behind her. He placed his hand gently on her shoulder.

"I can let you stay with him through the night."

"Thanks."

"I have to get going; I have a shuttle to catch…" He turned to leave but hesitated before walking out the door. "Shepard, I am going to find out who let this happen." And with those words, Anderson was gone.

Shepard was left to her own thoughts for the next few hours. Nurses would enter to check on James but no one acknowledged her presence. After a while she started talking to James. She didn't know why but it was soothing.

"I almost lost you James… Why did you cover me?"

Silence answered her.

 _I was so close to being alone again._

The though tapped a well of emotion Shepard could not control. The thought of being alone was too much to bear, especially when there were a lot of people out to get her.

Shepard was so tired of crying. She had cried more since being imprisoned than ever before. Even still, she could not stop the sobs that wracked her body.

A hand touched her arm gently.

"Hey, hey… it's aright Commander." James' voice was full of sleep but the warmth behind his words was clear.

"James…"

Shepard tried to wipe the tears from her eyes but they continued to fall. She gently leaned over the bed and tried to hug James without jostling him. He returned the gesture and squeezed her more tightly than she anticipated. She laughed in response.

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore James."

"I know."

He reached up and wiped the tears from her face with his thumb. Shepard leaned into his palm slightly, reassured by his warmth that he would be alright.

"Anderson said I could stay here tonight, if that's okay with you." Shepard didn't bother to open her eyes as she spoke. It was too hard to see James hurt because of her.

"Wouldn't want it any other way, chica." James' hand fell and Shepard caught it in her own. He drifted back to sleep and Shepard watched him for a few hours before sleep took her as well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: What comes after?**

Shepard had been moved from room to room since the Batarian attack. She was currently on her seventh assignment. It was by far the smallest room the brass had put her in, with gray walls and a small twin bed. When she first walked in a few days ago, she thought it looked like a true prison cell.

 _I should get used to this I guess._

James had about a week left of physical therapy and Shepard hoped that he would be put back on active duty ASAP. Because he was not currently her guard and she was not allowed visitors, they had only seen each other during the debriefing regarding the attacks. They were never left alone and she was always escorted back to her room by guards. If Shepard were honest, she missed James. He was the only thing keeping her sane.

 _He nearly died for you._

The thought brought a pang of guilt to Shepard's chest. It was the same feeling she had the last time she saw James. The debriefing had occurred as soon as James was cleared to leave his hospital room. He was confined to a wheelchair and Shepard could not help but stare at him; he had been so pail. It had been six weeks since then.

 _Will he blame me?_

Shepard tried not to dwell on James.

Today, the Defense Committee's investigation was finally going to resume. They had postponed all investigative efforts into the Alpha Relay incident in order to conduct a separate investigation in to the Batarian attack. Not much had come from the additional investigation. The Alliance did not want to start a war with a shattered species. The official reports indicated that the attack was conducted by mercenaries that wanted to collect a bounty on Shepard's head. The report was leaked to various news sources and shortly thereafter everyone was talking about the mercs.

But, no one really believed that story. What was left of the Batarian government had to fund the attack on Alliance HQ. It was the only way they could get through security and afford to pay off an Alliance marine.

Shepard woke up early and spent the morning lying in bed. She had gotten into the habit of staying in her room until someone was sent to rouse her. It was a fun game and way to inconvenience the Defense Committee. They had reprimanded her on more than one occasion for the practice. She responded coyly with a remark about how she no longer had an omni-tool with alarms to wake her. The Defense Committee was so fed up that they even tried to have Anderson speak with her.

That was easier said than done since he was not on Earth. Still, he worked hard to maintain contact.

Anderson had passed along a few messages to Shepard in the time since the attack. They were mostly updates on James and an estimated return date for Anderson and his crew. He had been off world for close to six weeks and was finally on his way home. He couldn't tell Shepard what he was up to, only that he had met with both Udina and Hackett. He didn't' sound thrilled.

Shepard tried to remember the last time she was out in space. It was the day she turned herself in so it was not exactly a fond memory. James had been beaten and bruised and they had played cards for the last few hours aboard the Normandy.

 _God, I miss my ship._

She managed to say her goodbye's to everyone and made sure that her crew found safe harbor before she contacted the Alliance. It was a good end to a rough mission. She prayed silently that this investigation would have a good ending.

 _Wishful thinking…_

Shepard was snapped out of her thoughts by a knock at her door.

"Gimme a second!" She yelled out as she pulled on her clothes. Normally there was a second knock around the time she was lacing up her boots but today it didn't come. Shepard wondered if they sent a rookie guard. She wasted an extra few seconds to see if someone would open her door.

No one did.

Shepard relented and stepped out of her room. She wasn't sure if her mind was playing tricks on her at first. James stood before her looking as good as ever. She let her gaze wander up and down his frame noting how each set of muscles flexed under her watch. He was in stark contrast to the frail image in her mind of James in the wheelchair.

She met his eyes with a questioning look.

"They let me out early since my PT turned into my regular workout about two weeks ago." He smiled down at her and Shepard could not help the toothy grin that graced her features.

She waited only a heartbeat before she slammed into him for a hug. James felt his breath leave him and struggled to recover.

"I missed you." Shepard's voice was muffled as she spoke into James' chest. All the guilt and worry were gone the moment he smiled at her.

James worked hard to keep his balance. He was almost back to normal but Shepard was stronger than she looked and he was not prepared for her to tackle him. He was so focused on keeping upright that he almost missed what she had said.

 _She missed me._

Vega instinctually squeezed her frame tighter to him at the thought. An immense pride washed over him and he turned the words over in his mind.

 _Shepard missed me._

He had missed her more than words could express. She was his inspiration to get through physical therapy as quickly as possible. Anderson had promised him that as soon as he was cleared by the doctors, he would be assigned back to Shepard. He pushed himself past exhaustion on more than one occasion trying to get back on duty for her.

The fact that she missed him too made ever part of him soar.

"I missed you too." He nuzzled her hair as he spoke, relishing in the intimacy of the moment. He knew that they needed to head to the Defense Committee but that could wait. For a faint moment he wonder if he was crossing a line by holding Shepard the way he was but he pushed it away. He needed this moment.

It was Shepard that pulled away first. She placed her hand over his chest where the bullets had hit him before looking into his eyes.

"You nearly died." There was innocence in the way Shepard spoke. It reminded Vega of the way children speak when they are in awe of something.

"I didn't though, thanks to you." James made sure to keep eye contact as he spoke the words. He knew how hard it was to watch someone go down. If it weren't for Shepard's quick action, he would be with Harrison now.

 _Harrison._

James struggled with losing a member of his team. He was put in command again and someone died.

 _But Shepard didn't._

He tried to hold onto that thought but he could feel himself falling into an all too familiar depression. He tried to focus on the brilliant emerald eyes that were staring into his own.

"Still, you took a bullet for me." Shepard looked ashamed and broke eye contact. James was wracking his brain for a way to lighten the moment.

 _Her math is off._

"Three." He chided her with a chuckle.

"Yeah, it's an expression James." Shepard feigned exasperation as she caught on to what James was doing.

"I know Commander."

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore James." She relaxed into the familiar joke.

"I know."

"Thank you James." She tiptoed to reach his face and planted a gently kiss on his left cheek. Shepard wasn't sure why she felt the need to kiss him like that. She never did that with anyone except her mother. It was a strangely calm moment but she felt James tense under her gesture. She wondered if she had overstepped some boundary between them.

James was still holding her and his grip tightened as he felt heat rush to his face.

 _Why did she do that?_

"It was nothing Shepard, I should be thanking you; you saved my life." James resisted the urge to kiss her back.

 _It was a friendly kiss. It meant nothing. And you definitely cannot kiss her._

"I wouldn't have had to if you didn't save mine first, so thank you."

There was a long silence between them. James rested his chin on the top of Shepard's head and breathed in the scent of her. He had never noticed the way she smelled before; of cucumber and something familiar he couldn't quite place. He didn't want to break the moment but the longer they kept the Defense Committee waiting, the more trouble they would be in.

"Shepard, as much as I don't want to, we have to get going. The Defense Committee is waiting for you."

Shepard pulled away and rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, they keep me waiting for months… They can hold their damn horses." She turned toward the door and James noticed that her hair was down for the first time since she was imprisoned. The auburn waves had grown down past the middle of her back. As she walked down the hallway James watched her hair, it shown copper when it caught the sunlight. He was nearly too distracted to catch the stares of his fellow marines.

Shepard was not so oblivious.

At first she thought that everyone was staring at her. It was normal for her grab attention wherever she went; she had been the poster marine. Everyone knew her face and the stories about her that were public. That kind of attention, she could easily ignore.

But no one was staring at her; they all had their eyes on James. Shepard felt the hair on her neck stand up.

 _Why are they staring at Vega?_

James did not take his eyes of Shepard for their entire journey so he hadn't noticed the attention he was getting. Shepard stopped abruptly and he nearly ran into her.

"What's wrong Shepard?"

"Everyone is staring at you James."

He looked away from her for the first time since they had left her room. Everyone within sight was staring at him. No one looked outright threatening but James was not good at being in the spotlight. He shifted uncomfortably under the gaze of nearly a dozen marines. Finally a young service woman near them came up and saluted the Lieutenant.

"Glad to have you back sir!" She chirped in a high pitched nasally voice. The other marines around the room stopped what they were doing and saluted James in unison.

It finally dawned on Shepard why they had been staring. Harrison had been stationed at HQ for years, they all knew him. They had just lost their friend but James had acted heroically and survived. He would forever represent loss to Harrison's friends and family.

 _I wonder if Harrison had family._

Shepard remained quiet for the remainder of the encounter. No one was paying her much attention. She was glad. If anyone brought up the fact that the Batarians attacked to get her, they could easily start blaming her for Harrison's death.

 _And they would be right._

James returned the salute of the marines and thanked them for their kindness. Some folks invited him to play a few rounds of poker with them when he was off duty. He was noncommittal in his answers. Shepard theorized that he wasn't ready to talk about what happened yet.

He excused himself, saying the Defense Committee was waiting and many of the marines apologized for taking up so much of his time. He nodded and ushered Shepard down the hallway.

Once they were out of sight, James pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed audibly.

"Sorry James."

"For what?" James looked up, confusion lacing his features.

"For making you the center of attention."

"You didn't do that Shepard."

"They came for me." Shepard's voice was laden with guilt. James wished he could do more than offer her words.

"Hey…" James paused, he wasn't sure what to say next. It was true, the Batarians had come for Shepard but it didn't make the incident her fault. "None of this is your fault. Yeah, they came for you but that was their choice. You did not do any of this."

The words rang hollow in Shepard's ears.

"Maybe." The words were nearly inaudible.

They silently turned to face the Defense committee.

The meeting was short. The Defense Committee informed Shepard that the investigation into the Alpha Relay incident was resuming. She would continue to move rooms until the investigation was complete. The best estimate was that they would have a verdict in four weeks.

Shepard didn't believe them. It had taken nearly six months for them to really start the investigation.

 _I'm going to be here forever._

The Defense Committee thanked James for his heroic service before letting Shepard go.

James was excited to return to Shepard's room. The entire time he had been recovering, it was all he could think about. Seeing Shepard beat herself up about the Batarian attack only made his desire to get back to normal stronger.

 _None of this was ever normal._

James paused briefly on the walk as a thought struck him. Shepard noticed immediately and glanced sideways at him. The look on her face was equal parts worry and question.

 _Is he really okay?_

"Stop looking at me like that." James chided.

"Like what?" Shepard grinned and cocked her hip.

"Like a worried mother."

"Ouch. I'm not that old Vega." Shepard feigned a pained expression.

"I know which is why you should quit with that look." He bumped her shoulder with his own as they continued walking down the hallway. "I was thinking it would be nice to play some cards."

Shepard felt excitement for the first time since the night James was shot.

"Ready to lose your shirt LT?" A confident smile graced Shepard's features.

 _Damn, she's gorgeous._

"I'm looking forward to seeing you try."

They arrived at the room a few minutes later. As the doors slid open, Vega let out a whistle.

"Is this a storage closet or…?" James let the question trail off. He was going to say prison cell when he realized how that would come off. It was a prison cell; every room in Alliance HQ was that to Shepard.

"It's what they gave me. At least there's still a bed." She chuckled and gestured to a side table and chair that were in a corner of the small room.

James pulled the pieces of furniture toward the bed as Shepard searched for the deck of cards. James took a seat in the chair just as Shepard returned. She sat in the bed across from him pulling her leg up underneath her. Her hair was still down and looked like a crimson curtain framing her torso.

James was always amazed at how the light could change the color of her hair and eyes so drastically. In the dim lighting of the room her features took on rich jewel tones. He imagined that on a bright sunlit day her hair would take on a metallic tone.

James realized he was staring just as Shepard cleared her throat.

"Are you planning to deal? Or are you going to stare some more?" Shepard teased him as a ringlet or her hair fell into her face. James resisted the urge to reach over and brush the hair behind her ear.

"Just glad to be back, feels like it's been forever."

"Yeah, I know."

The moment turned serious and Shepard wondered if there would be many more days like this, with her and James. There was always a change that the Alliance would let her go; would James still want to be her friend? Even in the best case scenario, the brass would take her rank. Would the LT still be there for Shepard when she's no longer the commander?

James dealt quickly and the game was underway before Shepard had too much time to dwell on the thought. Shepard allowed herself to forget, for a moment, that she was a prisoner. She allowed herself the privilege of having fun and James watched as her shoulders relaxed and she started to focus on the game.

It killed him to know that he couldn't help her with the Alliance. She was at their mercy.

Almost in sync, they both began to wonder about what would come after, assuming Shepard's release.

They both knew that if Shepard was found guilty of a crime, she would likely be imprisoned the rest of her life. The Alliance would make it a nice prison, but she would likely never see space again. She hated thinking about that.

It was the possibility of being released that left them both with so much uncertainty. The Reapers were coming and it felt like no matter what, Shepard wouldn't be in a place to help. She hated thinking about that more.

She tried to focus on good things that could happen if the Alliance let her go.

 _I could go to the beach._

It had been years since Shepard had relaxed on a sandy beach. She missed swimming. She wondered if James liked to swim but wasn't sure how to ask the question. She started to wonder how they could be friends after all was done. Would they see each other when he is on shore leave?

 _Will he visit me in prison?_

Shepard tried to refocus. James had taken a lead and had won several rounds while she was day dreaming.

 _It would be nice to have more days like this._

James had been wondering much of the same as the card game progressed. He couldn't help but turn over Harrison's last words to him. He felt something for Shepard, there was no use lying to himself. The question was could he ever act on it?

He pictured taking Shepard out on a proper date. He would cook for her, maybe take her out dancing. They could have a picnic out on one of the colonies. The thought made his breathe catch. He would do anything for the possibility of a normal life with Shepard.

 _I have fallen for her._

James tried to remind himself that the possibilities were fantasy. Shepard viewed him as a friend but probably nothing more. Even if she did get out of prison, they would probably get a beer once a year and catch up. There would be no wooing, no dates, no life together.

 _Never say never._

Shepard noticed that James' mind was elsewhere.

"Penny for your thoughts James."

 _Busted._

"Just wondering what happens after the Alliance figures out you did nothing wrong."

"Ha. I'm glad you're confident in my release."

"Well, I'll go on strike if they don't let you out of here. I've done it once already; pretty sure I still have the apartment on Omega."

Shepard raised her eyebrow before speaking.

"I'm glad to know you have my back."

"Always Shep." He tried to sound light hearted but everything he said seemed to take on a more serious tone.

"Anyway, I am pretty sure you will take all my money playing cards and I will let you because I am such a good friend." She smiled as the sarcastic words filled the air.

"That you are Shep, that you are."

James tried to his best to commit her features to memory as they played cards into the early morning. The dimples in her cheeks, the freckles across her nose, the slight wave to her hair; he wanted to remember her in this moment forever. Relaxed, happy, and beautiful.

 _It will never be cabrón, enjoy this while it lasts._

He pushed to doubt aside and tried his best to enjoy the night.

Shepard did the same.


End file.
